Category: sibling loss

Everybody grieves

Theres that popular kids book everybody poops.. I think I should write one called everybody grieves. Because this weekend that has been so apparent in my family. The ways we are all hurting. .. and all reaching for Jennifer, trying to connect. Waking up to my husbands tears.. knowing immediately why.. Not even for a moment questioning what is upsetting him so much in the middle of the night. He is just broken.. struggling with every moment to keep his head above water. So he does in his waking hours what is easier for him. He gets mad and frustrated over everything. But when I look at him all I see is a man completely overwhelmed.. overtaken with missing his daughter. I want so much to fix it for him. To be able to take his hand and run away. to take the burden off of his back and put[…]

half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.                   I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

party

I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here. A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful. I thought it was a good idea.. Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow. She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them.[…]

..always a flower girl..

Its our 10 yr anniversary. I adore my husband. He drives me nuttier than anybody I have ever known.. but also fulfills me in a ways I didn’t know I was lacking. All day though I remember her.. what a great wife she would have been. What a beautiful bride.. I hate that I will never see my husband walk our first born down the aisle. He is taking me out of town this weekend. Just us.. none of our babies and no Unravel work either. Just us.. I am both excited and nervous. But I know how much I need this time with just he and I. . and her.. I can’t help it. I hope she is there with us. We were fluttered .. like a super duper flutter. And it is incredible. I was lucky enough to speak at a event for Dr Olsen last night in[…]

final resting place

Why? Why me? Why us? Why her? why? Today I am stuck. Deep in a hole of feeling sorry for myself. wanting so much to just have her back. To have my whole life back. I am trapped asking why? Today I want to go lay in bed. And just cry. And feel sorry for myself. I can’t though I am lucky enough to have my still living 3… but today I wish I didn’t have to. Today I wish I could just retreat away.. laying in my bed all day. But all consuming grief is not a option during my kids waking hours.. Its hard. Somedays really truly hard to do. I want to find the words to share about the day we finally laid buried her. Her final resting place. The one I am looking forward to joining her in one day. But I can’t seem to find[…]

middle aged

Hindsight is 20/20 .. what a cruel thing that clarity can be. Nicholas is 3 now.  He got to be our families superstar for the day. Jonathan did the best at making it that way. After staying up to decorate like I shared here  he showered him with love and attention. It was quite incredible to watch him. A beautiful combination of the gentle and kind and giving person he is made to be and the loving and supportive big brother Jennifer taught him to be. i hope so much she is still teaching him. still finding ways to reach him and impact him Tony and I were both so proud of the way he was all day with his little brother.. genuinely excited for him and helping him in any way he could in earnest. So we thanked him profusely and shared our pride in him with him. I hope[…]

my son

Swollen and puffy.. red rimmed eyes. I have adjusted to this new face in the mirror. . Jonathans 5th birthday was Saturday. five. The same age Jennifer was for the last good times of our lives. 5. In a year from now he turns 6 and 3 months after  that .. please please please.. He will be older than his big sister. That doesn’t even seem possible. He woke up missing her. So very much. We all did. I remember worrying about my kids growing apart from friends.. worried about what it might be like for them to not have the friend they most wanted at their parties.. Never ever did I imagine this.. His first without his best friend. .. At one point during the day Nicholas started talking about his birthday next year. I looked at Tony and with all honesty realized “we have to do this again[…]