Category: latest post

meant to be

**As I was typing the last word in this entry this song started playing.. Open it in another window as you read this.. Because I think she wants me to share her message to me, with you..** ok buggers. ok baby.. ok.. i love you. i love you. i love you I was talking with a friend today.. a new friend from my new life. My AD life.. This friends job is to fundraise for researchers.. well kinda. Her goal is really to raise money to save kids. To stop them from suffering.. from dying. . Its a big deal. It matters and it can be all consuming. The pressure can be overwhelming at times. I get it. So much. .. except I don’t. .. She asked how I dealt with it. Since we are so similar. How do I cope with that anxiety and pressure. The need to do[…]

maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

is 3 real?

Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl… and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry. I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night.. Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions. I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday[…]

a ocean for mothers day

I think grief is like the ocean. .. Powerful and constant. It comes in and goes out. Sometimes a storm passes and it becomes violent and dark. .. sometimes it is calm and peaceful. But it is always moving, always changing, and you have to keep kicking or you will drown. That can be exhausting.. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be pulled too far out from them.. my shore.  I made it through another mothers day..  I woke up to that swollen feeling in my eyes that let me know I was crying in my sleep. My mind is merciful in forgetting  what I was dreaming about.. The day was good. Blemished and bruised but so very beautiful. I am grateful to this blog for that. By digging and releasing I was able to be open to the beauty of the day versus just obsessing on the[…]

forgiveness for mothers day

Another mothers day is coming. .. I dread it. And then I feel so much guilt over that. I still have my amazing mom and I know so many others that don’t. .I am lucky not just to still have a mom.. but to have her be MY mom and my kids Coco. I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible people you could ever hope to meet. They love me. They will want to show me they love me… in simple and often sticky ways. ..but .. the one that made me a mommy. The one that bestowed the most important title on me is missing.  I remember that first year so well. And that first Fathers day. How surreal it was after years of infertility.. 5 losses.. We finally got to celebrate. Tony and I promised each other we would always make a big deal out[…]