Category: childhood cancer

grieve

Another 12th.. still not getting any easier. Today was filled with chores. .. Chores like breathing, which today I found so difficult to do. I felt like I was living in jello.. every movement slow deliberate and so very hard to execute. I woke up angry this morning. Not wanting to hear any more “I’m sorry’s” So my post on my personal page was similar to my parenting with my kids. Don’t tell me with your words, show me with your actions. In this case, don’t tell me you are sorry SHOW me… show me you are sorry by doing something about it.  I woke up broken.. just completely depleted of any drive or desire to do anything. But the baby was crying so laying in bed all day wasn’t a option. ..At the same time I also felt this immense gratitude for these little lives I am still being entrusted[…]

what doesn’t kill you..

I went for a run this morning with my 2 littles while Jonathan was in preschool.. and while Jennifer.. well we all know where she is but somehow I still feel like I need to mention her. I was thinking about the broadcast that was on about Unravel and all the people fluttering last night. You can watch and read it here..its a different post than the original and explains fluttering really well!  I am not usually publicly emotional .. and it showed me crying not once but twice..  I was feeling very vulnerable. And then this song came on “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” And I thought oh the irony.. She couldn’t have possibly been any stronger.. But maybe that’s not the point of this song playing in my ears. .. Maybe its me? Because although cancer has destroyed so much of me.. it did not take all of me.[…]

old life

Constant ache. Sometimes punctured with a pain so sharp I literally clutch my stomach. Today has been a day where even the constant ache is so strong I sometimes doubt the strength of my legs to keep me upright.. so those moments of sharp… when they come.. well they feel like I am being cut apart. But it’s nothing major. Its my attempt to be a normal mom again.. Cooking and cleaning with my babies underfoot. Somehow normalcy makes her absence so pronounced. We did play-doh and had a outside picnic. We had an ant attack and all vacuumed and squished ants with wet towels. Nicholas helped me prepare dinner and we have laundry waiting to be folded. Just a simple day. Like our old life.. except it’s all so different.   I used to say when asked about having 4 kids (or still pregnant with our 4th) how I[…]

double agent

So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign)  To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself) I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer. Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her .. i just want my baby back And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her[…]

bury my daughter

Its been a hard day. Just lots of up and down moments. The little ones.. looking at costumes with Charlotte.. knowing how much she would have loved them if her big sister was around.. because Jennifer would have picked them out for her. Asking a friend for baby doll toy advice for Charlotte.. since I already am feeling like a unseasoned mom to a girl. Then the big ones. Calls from the hospital about bills we know are taken care of. Having .. or maybe its more like getting to say her name.. to say her birthdate and all of her information. I wonder if today was the last day I will be asked that? Followed quickly by a peek into my email to see that her headstone is finally completed. .. we just need to make a final payment and then decide when to put it in the ground.[…]

Love4jlk

I can’t believe its already September. I can’t believe a year ago I didn’t even know this month was pediatric cancer awareness month. Seriously I look back and it seems just unreal to me that I had no idea about the things that are so ingrained in me now I can’t imagine not knowing.. not living it.. or surviving it as the case may be. A year ago .. we were just a regular family of 6.. A year ago cancer was a word I rarely said.. now I say it multiple times everyday. I should count once how often I say it. A year ago I had no idea my time as her Mama was about to end.. Jennifer.. sweet baby girl of mine. Shhhhh… its fluttering time! Here is what it looked like in our home. The boys were so excited to come out from quiet time to[…]

wave

Sometimes it feels like we are just sitting on the shore. .. feeling wave after wave of emotions hit us.. sometimes the current so strong it feels like it just might pull us out into open water. In the past few days I have felt so many emotions.. anger and fear.. heartache and despair. Tony’s birthday was on Thursday. It was a hard day for him which I expected.. for me which I also expected and for Jonathan which was unexpected. .. I didn’t know until the next day that it was also hard for Nicholas.. not until he crawled into my lap and reached for my necklace that has Jennifers picture and held it. He didn’t look up at me but simply said I miss sissy mommy. wave.. I know it impacts him. I know he hurts in his own way, but I think sometimes I forget. I think[…]

presence

I waited to write, then I waited to share. Waited til I was ready to share one of the most personal experiences I have had since she died. Sometimes things happen and I know I won’t share.. sometimes things happen and I know I will.. This was one. But I had to just absorb it.. and cherish it all by myself for a little while…. I go the opportunity to go to 2 Sara Bareilles concerts this past week. I am so lucky! The 2nd night was the original one that had been planned for quite awhile, my sister in law got us both tickets. Another sister in law and my niece ended up coming as well, but sat in a different area. It was quite the journey to get there. . for the 3 of us. I had decided earlier in the week that this would be Jennifer’s first[…]

i love you

The only time I am not crying is when I am with other people. .. With Tony and the kids though I cannot seem to stop the tears. Everything is reminding me of her.. everything is ripping into the wound I keep waiting to start healing. right now I don’t think it ever will. right now I feel like my sorrow is so much bigger than I am . We went to the Chargers/49ers game this weekend with some friends. Tony is a Chargers fan so they thought we would like it. We were very excited. Charlotte stayed with my parents and the boys with one of my brothers families. I had forgotten until I started getting dressed in my jersey.. forgotten we had taken her to a game once. A pre-season game just like this one and a neighbor gifted us her tickets. That time Tony held her.. this[…]

i just want my daughter

I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness. So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby? I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile. I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays. Today is that kind of a day. I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and[…]