Category: childhood cancer

one day

We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways. I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours. I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven. We were both right in what the trip should have been.. The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday ..[…]

..always a flower girl..

Its our 10 yr anniversary. I adore my husband. He drives me nuttier than anybody I have ever known.. but also fulfills me in a ways I didn’t know I was lacking. All day though I remember her.. what a great wife she would have been. What a beautiful bride.. I hate that I will never see my husband walk our first born down the aisle. He is taking me out of town this weekend. Just us.. none of our babies and no Unravel work either. Just us.. I am both excited and nervous. But I know how much I need this time with just he and I. . and her.. I can’t help it. I hope she is there with us. We were fluttered .. like a super duper flutter. And it is incredible. I was lucky enough to speak at a event for Dr Olsen last night in[…]

good

Last night was good for me. It was completely gutting. I woke up with eyes swollen and heavy. .. but that was so much better than the weight I had been carrying around inside of me. Tony came in the door after I was done writing.. and I dissolved into his arms. I was so grateful for that moment.  So thankful for my best friend. Tonight I remembered that Jonathan doesn’t have that anymore. His best friend is gone.. After bed he came toddling out to us and asked Daddy to sleep in our bed.. why? Because Jennifer did. We talked more about it and decided he wouldn’t, but that we would plan it for another night. What is he thinking and feeling that would make that come up for him? I will go to him tonight after I finish writing. And I will pray that I never ever have[…]

i can’t

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Like the lack of her was completely overwhelming. It was a hard day to be a good mom.. But I tried. I tried and won some and failed some. Tony was gone all day at a football game.. a full day out that he more than deserved.. I don’t know if thats why it hit so hard.. or if it was simply the weather. Gray .. cool… overcast. Did it remind me of February? Of the time right after she died? Or was it just a reminder of this time of last year.. when we first learned our eldest would die? I don’t know how to explain it, it was..  it was a ..  a missing.. a strong constant missing of my baby girl. A want for her. Just to hold her. To know her. To know what she would look like now.[…]

difference

Are we making a difference? I ask myself that all the time. I dedicate so much of my life and myself to Unravel.. I can’t help but wonder if its really worth it. ..This week it was answered for me In a few unlikely ways.. There was a comment on the blog… one that I am sure is not isolated.. asking questions I am assume others may ask themselves about me.. about us. But it was my answer to that question that has helped me start to rise about the ashes I have been choking on lately. Putting into writing the good that I feel we are doing was empowering. Honestly the words just flowed from me.. the confidence in a such a unsettling time. . Thanks for your reply. I want to respond to a few things. Its actually not the inevitable since lots of people choose not to[…]

final resting place

Why? Why me? Why us? Why her? why? Today I am stuck. Deep in a hole of feeling sorry for myself. wanting so much to just have her back. To have my whole life back. I am trapped asking why? Today I want to go lay in bed. And just cry. And feel sorry for myself. I can’t though I am lucky enough to have my still living 3… but today I wish I didn’t have to. Today I wish I could just retreat away.. laying in my bed all day. But all consuming grief is not a option during my kids waking hours.. Its hard. Somedays really truly hard to do. I want to find the words to share about the day we finally laid buried her. Her final resting place. The one I am looking forward to joining her in one day. But I can’t seem to find[…]

camping

Sometimes the empty is so consuming, sometimes the reality that she is gone slaps me. Sometimes my ache for her is more subtle.. and another persons wound more crucial to attend to. This weekend was a bit of both. We went camping… without her… well without all of her. I had the keepsake of her remains with me. We stayed at the same place with the same people we went with last year. Because it was supposed to be a yearly tradtion.. it mattered a lot to Jennifer then and now to Tony. We really believed we would get one more trip in.. I was 8 months pregnant then, we almost didn’t go because of that, figured we could go this year. I am so thankful we went since so much changed in such a short amount of time. As we were checking in we got a flier for a[…]

middle aged

Hindsight is 20/20 .. what a cruel thing that clarity can be. Nicholas is 3 now.  He got to be our families superstar for the day. Jonathan did the best at making it that way. After staying up to decorate like I shared here  he showered him with love and attention. It was quite incredible to watch him. A beautiful combination of the gentle and kind and giving person he is made to be and the loving and supportive big brother Jennifer taught him to be. i hope so much she is still teaching him. still finding ways to reach him and impact him Tony and I were both so proud of the way he was all day with his little brother.. genuinely excited for him and helping him in any way he could in earnest. So we thanked him profusely and shared our pride in him with him. I hope[…]

never knew

I never knew.. never knew pain or despair like this before. I never knew that there is no respite from losing your child. I never knew how hard it would be. I thought I did.. thought I could imagine. .. I couldn’t.. I still can’t. Because I know I am still not at the bottom of it… not at a place I can start clawing my way back up. I still have further down to go. Its always. Its constant. There is no relief. How is that even possible? I got her name tattooed on my wrist the other day. On the drive home I called Tony to see if I could stop at the beach. Of course he said yes.. I needed that time.. To just miss her.. on the beach walking along the ocean. The sunset was incredible and I had music playing the whole time.. song after[…]

my son

Swollen and puffy.. red rimmed eyes. I have adjusted to this new face in the mirror. . Jonathans 5th birthday was Saturday. five. The same age Jennifer was for the last good times of our lives. 5. In a year from now he turns 6 and 3 months after  that .. please please please.. He will be older than his big sister. That doesn’t even seem possible. He woke up missing her. So very much. We all did. I remember worrying about my kids growing apart from friends.. worried about what it might be like for them to not have the friend they most wanted at their parties.. Never ever did I imagine this.. His first without his best friend. .. At one point during the day Nicholas started talking about his birthday next year. I looked at Tony and with all honesty realized “we have to do this again[…]