Month: January 2019

Dear Jennifer

..continued from this blog.. which is continued from this one. I love you. I miss you. Its hard to feel both of those things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not always strong enough to do that. Do you know how sorry I am? I have so much I would have done differently for you at that end of your little life. I’m sorry baby girl. Im sorry I was selfish. I didn’t even realize it at the time. I know you are here. Jennifer. I know it. Right now. I know you are right here with me. I can somehow know you are next to me on this couch. But I don’t know how to feel you. I don’t know how to embrace you without my arms. But I know you are here. I know you are so much wiser than me. I know you forgive me. But I don’t[…]

Dear God

… continued from this post… How is it possible? How is it real that she has been gone for almost 5 years. Why? I know I know I know. We aren’t supposed to ask that. I am supposed to trust in your reasons. I’m not supposed to wish it to be anybody but mine. I don’t know how. She was just a baby. She suffered. So much. They ask me. So many parents of kids like her ask me if she knew. I don’t even know. Why didn’t you equip me better to help her then? Why don’t you help me more now? It’s still so hard. Sometimes. Not all the time anymore. But damnit. Its so hard. And I’m f-ing pissed off at you for it. I’m still so mad at you. I’m always going to be so mad at you. Why? Does she know how to read? Does[…]

cancer beat me

I say the words that I know I will always grieve her.. but lately.. really this whole past year I’ve just been mad about all of it.. And fighting like hell to deny it all too.. Been doing fairly well at it.. And had a distorted sense of pride about it .. But not sure I have the fortitude to keep going like this.. Cuz see I know. I know it’s not fair to my kids to be denying my ache anymore because it starts to impact them. I am far less patient than I should be.. I am ready for them to go to bed before bedtime.. I am always squeezing to just hold it together. I swore I would never ever be like this.. I dug in.. I dug in so hard for so many nights after she died.. And it helped. It allowed me the space to[…]