4 years.

When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that..

However, I do know my grief is just like that..

I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life..

and..

I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer.

I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life..  That part that feels like I can’t remember her.. that part that wonders if she was ever really even here. ..

***and even as I write those words..  the tears that were starting to fall clear away and I feel my whole body get warmer.. ***

Because she was here.. ..

I know it because of how much Tony and I are struggling right now… In a rarity for us.. We are both aching for her.. raging that she was here and now she is gone..

Im guessing it was because the kids needed us so much in the weeks leading up to the 12th.. We held ourselves up and together to take care of them..

Because now we are both just so full of fiery anger.. Simmering under the surface.. a physical palpable thing.. Rage.. bubbling inside.

We had a wonderful-ish time away.. Just Tony and I. We talked and we walked.. We ate and we drank.. We allowed ourselves to be sad.. Together and separately..

 

We did everything right.. I think??

But we came home and the anger took over. .

We have continued to turn into each other.. Continued to do our best to find good ways to cope.. But I just don’t understand why.. And that drives me nuts.. I usually understand emotions so well.. I can usually articulate what I am feeling and learn so much about myself as I write.. But this time I can’t..

***except I did what I never do. I go back and read my words while I am writing and I start to see it.. I start to see myself.. ***

This time I am just so mad.. bitter.. jealousy.. This time I am full of uglyness and feel helpless to do anything about it.

I was trying to prepare myself.. Remind myself of how Ive been in the hole of grief and climbed out of it.. But I wasn’t prepared for this.. And I’m not sure I know how to .. well its not claw out of it.. Its more like climb down from it..

Its like I am at a sharp pointy peak .. The air is thin and its hot.. I can look down and see the things I love.. But I don’t know how to get to them..

please dont be like that for you.. please dont feel like you cant get to me

This feels new.. This feels foreign.. But I am not scared of it.. Because I know I am strong. I know I have the greatest partner by my side up here on his own peak. ..

***and my pendulum swings.. I am not just anger.. I am simply swinging fast.. My sadness.. deep dark and blue.. immediately to my anger.. high sharp and hot.. With no time spent in between.. ***

Im just hurting.

A lot.

I am just grieving.

A lot.

And I have to allow that to be ok.. My grief is only 4 after all.. Still so young.. yet I am so comfortable with it, so used to it.. I think I expect so much more from it ..

and all of it..

every single swing of the pedulum

its the part of my heart that beats..

for you.

 

..until there is a cure..