Month: October 2017

dug in and dig out

dig in.. and you will dig out.. I have dug in.. enough to somehow both give me a head ache and release me from the one that has been lingering for weeks. Jennifer loved chocolate cake.. and a ton of icing. She had celiacs disease and ate gluten free.. in a time before most people knew what that was.. I pre-made cupcakes for her and froze them so they were ready for any party. Icing on the other hand could be trickier.. We found a solution though.. We would melt a ton of chocolate chips and pour it on the cupcake and let it harden into a massive chunk of chocolate on the top. And she loved that.. She loved having a giant piece of chocolate to gnaw on and get all over her face.. I don’t know what it looks like where she is.. I don’t even know what[…]

10th birthday

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]

reality bites

I had this false perspective of reality.. I thought it was a simple thing.. As it turns out it is anything but.. We can’t change our reality .. but we certainly can deny it. This still feels unreal.. Like it can’t really have happened.. My daughter can’t have died.. I think I am learning .. that it’s not so much that we get stronger in child loss or that the pain dulls but that we simply get better at denying it.. As horrible as it is to admit I think that’s how we learn to survive. . We are able to convince ourselves it wasn’t real.. that our child wasn’t really here.. So they can’t possibly really be gone.  so when it hits.. it is sharp and it is biting. It can completely steal my breath and knock me out at my knees.. crippling. Right now I am hurting.. I[…]

his summer – my fall

I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times. My body ..  my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves .. Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title. A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming.. but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. .. The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the[…]