When Jennifer was still here fighting and I started blogging I feel like everyday I had big realizations and break throughs.. After she died it was the same. I was constantly making huge deep connections within myself..

Now its rarer that it happens.. In part because its just harder to carve out this much needed time to sit and “talk” with myself.. And because maybe that’s another sign of my growth within this journey.. Not having the need to be making so many life defining or changing realizations..

But it happened recently.. and once they started I feel like its been happening a lot.. I have so much bottled up inside.. not so paitiently waiting for me to make the time to sit like this.. To take it out and look at it and begin to understand it.

Texas. We recently went there for Unravel. ..

I’ve always wanted to travel. Whenever I was given a opportunity through my parents I jumped at the chance. Because of the choices Tony and I had happily made I knew that wouldn’t be a option for our family. Having a lot of children and me not working. .. Totally worth the tradeoff for me.. And I know how lucky we are to even have that choice..

As Unravel grows I have been afforded the luxury of traveling .. I have always been very grateful for that..Its one of the many many things I get back from the “work” I put in. Jennifer is the spark that created Unravel..

but somehow I never realized your role in it. ..

I have often said that God knew I couldn’t be a mom to this many kids without help so he gave me Jennifer first. My babies are getting bigger.. and more independent.. Soon they will all be in school full time. . Something I have dreaded since the moment I became a Mama. ..

Next year it will be just me and these 2 girls at home while big brothers are both at school all day.. and yes I see biggest sister watching over them!

you gave me Unravel.. you give me a reason to be busy. to be ok as they grow. and as you don’t.

I am so grateful to those that believe in Unravel. In our mission. That believe in me. In my daughter. Because it gives me purpose and drive. It will carry me through the years that will come and pass whether I want them to or not. As my children God willing, continue to grow and thrive.. I will still have Unravel… well at least until there is a cure..

And I believe my Jennifer’s gift to me through Unravel is that travel. That opportunity to meet and connect with new people. To share her story.. Our love and our loss. Unravel gifts me one on one times with my surviving kids.. Being not just sorry but active WITH them .. not just for them. And I think it will help me survive this changing time without her.

At this years she is beautiful race with my adorable glitter spreader!!

Like God knew I needed her.. She.. I think Jennifer and God knew I needed this. Unravel and all its gifts. . That I need those of you that care.. those of you that are active.. To help me through this life with four in my arms and one in my heart. I don’t know if I have ever just publicly said thank you. So here it is .. belated and genuine ..Thank you. Thank you to the volunteers and supporters that make Unravel what it is..

we never did make it to NY for that trial like we talked about..

Never did get to Hawaii for a swim.. 

I’m sorry.

and thank you. 

…until there is a cure..