Month: February 2017

but Jennifer died..

I am struggling to find the balance. I write and I miss Jennifer so terribly.. I look through pictures to add them to my words. And I see how quickly and special my time with her was.. And I realize how quickly this time is passing me with my surviving kids.. but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference… The altruistic part of #forTHEMbecauseofher.   But I see pictures like this. . And I realize Charlotte has already outgrown putting her shoes on the wrong feet .. Time is passing. And I miss it. Because of work. Work I never wanted. Work I never planned on doing. I miss it. I miss them. but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference… So how do[…]

the 3rd 12th

Its almost here.. That invisible yet powerful clock has almost come full circle.. .to mark off yet another year without the girl that made me a mommy. i thought that was it. i thought the brutal road to being your mommy meant i paid my dues. ..   Sunday will mark 3 years.. 3 years since she I last touched my Jennifer’s warm skin. .. last heard her jagged and raspy breathing. I was so scared she wouldn’t let me be there .. be awake when she died. 3 years ago I was asking myself unanswerable questions.. ones I still am asking today.. That day .. those worries I wrote about then.. I was right. It is EXACTLY how I feel today. .. She let me though.. She gave me so many gifts those final hours. Through her suffering she remained the girl she had always been.. Kind. Giving. Generous. Trusting.[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]