Its the little things.. the silly, seemingly insignificant things that can rock you to your core. It’s not just like that with child loss though .. I think its like that with everything. The things you take most for granted are the things you miss most when they are gone.

Her name.

Jennifer.

I have written often about how it matters. How I like to hear people say it. To know they are breathing life back into her by using her name..

But I think I forgot about me. I use it. I talk about her. Often. But another bereaved mama friend posted something the other day that made me realize what a huge piece is missing. ..

Her name.

Jennifer.

Talking to her. Saying her name to her. My friend posted that she walked around her home calling Liam. .. just over and over again calling his name. She wondered if that sounded crazy and I had to laugh because it sent a thrill through me. The excitement to imagine getting to do that. To just keep saying her name. Calling to her.. for her.. I immediately imagined walking down the hall..

Happily calling.. Jennifer… Sissy.. Hey Buggers..

Maybe even scolding her .. I miss that. Those things you never think about. Missing discipling your child. But I do. So I imagine using her full name .. Jennifer Lynn Kranz..

this look. so perfectly Jennifer.. the mix of sassy and sweet all rolled up into one.

.. then even just in my mind my calling for her morphs. Into the frantic pleas.. Looking for my lost child.. Calling.. Begging for her just to come out of hiding. .. I realize this. This talking to her,  this calling by name, I do. Often out loud as my fingers bang out words on the keyboard.

I have called for her.. desperately …

So I haven’t done it. That fantasy that initially so tantalized me.. now it scares me. For what I think .. what I know it will dissolve to. The emptiness and the silence of calling your child’s name and hearing no response. It is loudest thing in the world.

but I can’t stop

calling for you.

and waiting.

waiting until you answer me

…

yes mama.

…until there is a cure..