It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it.
physical .. unrelenting.. grief..
A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying.
Another year. ..
because life keeps happening.
Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering?
did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating?
We had a pink bell for her to ring if she needed us. But it sat silent in her room.. She never had the strength to shake it..
This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right
But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right.
..because life just needs to keep happening..
Tony will be gone for a work trip all next week. He comes back on the 12th.. So I can’t escape to the beach with him…And thats the thing thats calling me.. that I am longing for. All day walking along the ocean with her Daddy. The only person who can taste my sorrow. The only person who can carry its weight and comfort me by allowing me to carry his too.
Her 3rd birthday. Middle aged.
But see.. we grieve the same little girl with the biggest brown eyes so differently. Because I think he needs the escape. From me. From us. From this. The lead up to the 12th.. its like a train getting louder and more powerful everyday.. sometimes it feels like every minute.. For him its the aftermath of these dates thats heavier..
.. but work..
Always Daddys little girl and she knew it.. And she worked it..
We have to be normal functioning adults and he has things he can’t miss at work the week after either…
So what’s the right thing to do? Do I go to the beach with all the kids? Pull Jonathan out of school? Do I go with just the baby and send them to my brother who has offered to take them and keep his kids out of school too?
I have been debating talking to them about it.. Telling them the anniversary is coming.. Unsure whats right. We talk to others.. we talk to professionals. But in the end, like they often do, they teach us. They lead me.
They already know. They just don’t know what they know. They have both brought her up.. Just simple needs for a hug at a random moment because they miss sissy. .. and don’t know why it was hitting in that moment. We are all heavy.. and needing more sleep then usual.. And we are all up often throughout the night.
we miss you.
She loved taking care of them all.. and looking after them.. I hope she still does. I believe she always will.
I know people will read this and doubt me. Doubt how a boy that was just 2 or just 4 when she died can miss her so much. And thats ok. You are allowed to and I hope for your sake you are given the gift of always being able to doubt me.. Because parents that share my path… they know. We don’t understand it .. but we know it. We struggle with our constant guilt of trying to be sure we don’t imprint our ache on them.. And allowing them to miss her or not.
But the truth is. We all do. And we all will. In our very own ways.
And I know one day the girl that turned 9 months on the day her sister moved to heaven.. and the girl that was gift from heaven, our Bridgette Avari.. they will grieve her too.. I don’t get it. It scares the hell out of me. But I know it. And I will just have to deal with it the best I can then.
All of these hearts to balance. This year I only need to worry about all my boys.. and my own. But I don’t know how. I really don’t know how.
help me baby girl.
please help me
do the un-right.
Right.
..until there is a cure..
If anyone doubts you about anything, they are wrong. I’ve “known” you for so long (thank you Knot and Nest), and I miss her. I, obviously, didn’t know her like a family would know her, but that special girl has made a huge impact on other’s lives.
So many thoughts and prayers for your entire family- continuing to spread the glitter….LOVE4JLK always
God Bless. ????
I believe you that they are grieving for her even at their young age. My daughter longs for her cousin who would be only 5 months younger than her that she never met. Her grief comes in waves at times when I wouldn’t expect it. A lot of people say “well she sees you grieving so that’s why she is or she hears you talking about him”… trust me… this is not it…. it is truly her own pain… her own grief… her own self trying to make sense of something that just has no answers. Prayers for all of you. <3
Kids are so in tune with their emotions. I don’t doubt one bit! I also trust that the right thing will be presented to you. A special gift from Jennifer. Maybe it’s her little secret that she is planning just for her family, but especially you. ???????
The body remembers, it always does. Even their little bodies, your living boys and girls. It is a pain that deep, so deep your cells feel it.
There of course is no right or wrong way to do it, you know that. Just be gentle on you. I don’t know a lot, but I really bet your kids will help you see their need and you will bend to it best you can, like a tree branch in the wind. And it will be enough, in a way that won’t ever be enough.
Remembering your beautiful girl. Peace to you all.
You are so wise and I think that you will know what to do…even if you think you don’t today. Try and just not worry about making anything perfect…life is not perfect anymore and sometimes going with the flow is the only thing we can do.
The pain of the anniversary of Jennifer’s death or her birthday will NEVER go away, but I promise the pain becomes less raw. I do not “know you” Libby but I know you. It has been 16 years since my sweet wonderful step daughter was robbed from our lives…she was one month past her 5th birthday. Each year we celebrate her birthday and wonder how she would look or how she would act and on her anniversary we still cry and ask why? On her first anniversary in hopes to be closer to her we went up in a hot air balloon and sent fairy angel dust to her in heaven. It was so peaceful up there and we felt her close. And the fairy dust showed up on clothing or shoes for many many months to come reminding us she was with us.
Every time I read your blog I am choked with tears and smiles…smiles from the memories of Cait and pain for the agony you are feeling…Jennifer and Caitlin seem like soul sisters. Girly princesses with Big beautiful eyes, smiles and hearts and that amazing will and strength that I believe God imparts on each child he chooses to take early. I am so sorry.
I have wanted to reach out to you so many times but felt funny as we are strangers. But today I felt Caitlin moving my fingers on the keyboard to somehow send you comfort. To let you know you will make it out of this darkness…it will never be the same sunny brightness that your life knew when Jennifer was with you, but you will make it out, You have your other amazing children who are gifts…and they have such innocent and curious, intuitive and loving souls who will continue to keep their sister alive.
My younger son never knew his sister but she is very alive in his heart and if you ask him how many sisters or brothers he has he will tell you, “I have one older brother who is in college and my sister lives with God in heaven watching over me”. I have told him about the “fluttering” and he is so excited to do it this year. And with each prayer we have for Cait, we remember and celebrate your Jennifer.
Sending you a hug (seems so silly) and a wish for you and your family to feel peace.
I happened upon your blog today…for me and my belief it is God and my girl nudging me, letting me know I am not alone. Thank you for writing so openly as you are correct in knowing there are those of us who you don’t need to explain the ‘whys’ to for we get it. My girl was the oldest, nurturing, wise beyond her years and her 5 year anniversary is coming soon. As much as I try, the relentless feelings of loss (and everything you describe) come right back. Surface so quickly this time of year. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you, keep writing…. you may have no idea who’s heart you touched that needed it. My Annie, forever 18 (9/18/92-2/20/11) leukemia took her life, but not her sweet angel soul. Much peace Momma.
Out of all my kids, my youngest, who was only 4, grieves the most, and the most openly of all my children. My next child who was only 6, grieves openly occasionally. The older ones who were SO close to their brother, either keep it to themselves, or are not as impacted as I thought they would be. I think I’ll find out more the true depth of their grief when they’re adults (God willing) and they have children of their own……I think it will surface in time, and they will be able to communicate better what they were really feeling. I think we ALL physically feel the seasons, the anniversaries, the dates…..it’s a constant wave of drowning, catching your breath and going under again.
I hate and I love how life keeps going. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to do this.
My marriage….my husband…..I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what he needs or what I need. We BOTH need our boy back and we both feel really helpless towards each other, and towards ourselves. Thank goodness the love is still there, and we haven’t become too numb to that…….
Thank you for sharing. I know I am not alone in what I see with my kids but I appreciate hearing others stories.
my dad died 3 days before Jennifer. i am reliving everything right now. flashes of what i was doing 2 years ago today when he was still alive. flashes of that blissful ignorance having no clue just now badly it would hurt when he was finally gone. remembering how he looked, gaunt and frail and completely unlike himself in the final hours before mercy finally showed up and took his last breath. i want to kick and scream and dig in my heels and stop time and slow down and scream at the world…”how can you keep on turning and living and moving forward when he is not here? don’t you know what an amazing person this world has lost?” remembering sitting outside the morning after he died, marvelling at the fact that the world kept on going without him. the day just moved on, the sun rose and set, and people ignorantly moved through their life oblivious of what we had just experienced. i don’t want to drag myself through another year without him. i understand when you talk about that, it’s so hard…we just did another whole year without them and now we have to do another one? it’s just not fair. i’m thinking about your beautiful Jennifer Lynn Krantz and how incredibly brave and strong she was. You alleviated her pain by providing comfort. Your presence eased her fear and suffering. She died feeling loved, wrapped in your arms. Don’t minimize how much you provided for your beautiful girl. <3