My daughter.

I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that…

How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost?

It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place.

I look at this picture and I wonder.. that glare in her eye.. is that a glimmer I could have noticed?

My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore.

And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in my mind because I know when I open them up she will be gone.

are you here right now jennifer? sitting next to me as i cry?

I want to believe I want to trust in it. But its so much harder than just that. My skin rises up .. just hyper aware of trying to feel her.

I yearn for the physical touch from her. I want it again.. in more than just my own mind. I want the warmth that life can bring.

I leave a space next to me on the couch.. I am covered up in her blanket. ..

I pause and hold my breath.. maybe then I will feel her.

exhale..

I try to remember what her long skinny fingers felt as they reached for me. As they locked themselves in mine. I think I can still..

i think so

And I leave my outstretched hand open hoping .. yearning. . to be filled just for a moment.

just a moment. i need just one more moment with you.

I still haven’t had her come to see me in my dreams. I believe they can visit us. She has come to everybody else in our family. . ..

please baby please

..until there is a cure..