Month: November 2015

smiles and tears

Why? Why?  oh jennifer.  i just want to hold you. i wonder what you would be like this Thanksgiving.  I wanted to write a positive post. One about how all the many things I am grateful for. My living children. My reason for working for hard for Unravel. Because I need to try to keep them safe. I owe it to them to fight the biggest danger they are likely to face in their young lives. . Jonathan, his effort- Navigating being a big boy and this newfound role of our families oldest child. Bridgette, her pure- smiles and giggles and tears. Honest emotion to whatever she is feeling. Nicholas, his depth- learning to trust in his moral compass which is true north. and stronger than any I have ever known. Charlotte, her joy- how she radiates pure love to everybody she meets. I am so lucky to be driven crazy[…]

i miss her. jennifer

I am exhausted. In counseling we talked about how I have simply felt too busy to grieve. Then I am so scared to allow myself to go there… because it will consume me.. And I worry I won’t recover from it well enough to get the things done that I need to. I love being part of Unravel. I love everything I get to do within it.. But I am exhausted.. and I realized today I think its stuffing down that grief that is doing it to me. A bone tired weariness. I miss her. Jennifer. So much. I yearn for her right now. To just hear her voice. To feel her touch. I miss her. Jennifer.  Being around people I try to be the old me. Silly and funny… Not the woman nobody wants to invite to a birthday party. The one that goes off to feed her baby[…]

final word

Grief is a strange thing…a fluid thing. The way it manifests itself in adults and kids. It really keeps you on your toes. Often times Tony and I don’t even know we are struggling with big grief until we start tackling it. We will just turn to the other one and say the words.. The ones that will unleash a landslide of understanding for the fights or explosions or misunderstandings of the last few weeks. With kids its a sudden twist. I want them to know they can talk to me or other safe adults. I want them to also know its ok to not be grieving their sister. Its ok to just be. . It is a small tightrope to be walking along. That balance between openness and demonstrating healthy big emotions while still allowing them to just be kids. They surprise us though. They often do it very[…]

broken trust

He has lost confidence in me. It’s not that he blames me.. its just he doesn’t trust me the way he used to. He questions more.. He pushes more. He checks more. I know he doesn’t blame me… but my husband doesn’t have faith in me. It’s not on purpose. He likely doesn’t even know its happening to him.. to us. But it is. I have noticed it happening for awhile now. At first I told myself maybe it was just me being sensitive.. or him just being overly cautious. It’s a subtle change but a heartbreaking one. And once I recognized it I have struggled to over come the shock of it. The emergence of a new side effect of childhood cancer.. Because I don’t trust me either. I haven’t heard others talk about it. . Are we the only ones??  I’d like to say no.. I always tell[…]

run ahead

I am not alone. It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now  ..  But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share. I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday.  I often do that when we are at a beach,  but this time I connected to it in a different way. I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean. I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.[…]

inside out

Its a grind for us all right now. Just passing our 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis and birthday. Its like the start of our really hard time. And frankly we just really don’t want to do it. I am mad. I am angry. I have done this all before and I just don’t want to have to do it all again. Now its not the fear of the unknown.. It’s the known. But we already did it. We already had a Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve without her.. And I don’t want to have to face it again. Halloween was good. We had fun. .. But it was so hard. A grind. Like gravity is so much stronger right now. This force and pull pushing and forcing me down. I should say us. Because my husband .. He is struggling too.. For all the same reasons. Its[…]

Guest Blog: Carmen Murray

October was about Jennifer. Thank you for that. It was this mothers hope that my daughter could motivate and inspire .. “forTHEMbecauseofher” but I have so many more children that make up my “her” The kids that motivate and inspire me to fight for a cure. Kids that make me want to be a better mom in every way..  This month we are honored to introduce you (both through blogs and social media) to just a few of these children.  Allow me to introduce Carmen and Ty. Carmen is one of our board members and a woman I am proud to call my friend and Ty…. Ty is simply incredible.  “But your son is all better now….. because he doesn’t have cancer anymore right?” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this phrase or something similar to it after people find out about my son’s battle with cancer.  While I totally understand why someone[…]

back home

Children are resilient. But they are also vulnerable and trusting. They believe. They hope. They try to make things right. Jennifer always did. She fought. She hoped. She trusted. Children are supposed to be innocent. I stole my 4 year olds innocence. .. Another piece of it at least.. I had to rip more of it away from him. I get told not to put my grief on them. To not misplace my feelings as theirs. They are so young they won’t remember. They barely knew her .. or never knew her.  That my kids are innocent. But they aren’t. Cancer. Her death. Lack of funding. It stole their innocence. Charlotte was only 9 months .. and Bridgette wasn’t even born yet. .. The boys decided to donate their birthdays to Unravel. Instead of presents from friends they asked for donations they could make to save other kids. One thing[…]