My mind wanders.. a lot. I have always been a big day dreamer. Its actually one of the reasons I have always enjoyed working out. Its a time to just let my mind and imagination run free.

But right now .. even though our california weather is not very fall like I seem to remember. .. I am fighting my day dreams now.. I am finding myself crying nursing Bridgette in the middle of the night when I can’t escape my mind. ..

memories.

They are flooding me right now much more often.. Of her being sick. Of her treatments.

Its hard to get a grip on them… They seem to move through me so quickly.. Like snippets of videos of her. I hate that. That my memories of her don’t seem real right now, they just feel like … like I’m watching her not through my own eyes but through a foggy lens.

But these aren’t videos I have of her.. They are real moments… memories of my daughter.

Jennifer. My daughter. This was her life that’s muted and grey to me right now..

Her life. I am struggling to really connect with. To slow my brain to remember. .. Stop it from flying so quickly through me to be able to grasp these moments.

Our moments. Her life.

I will be in the car and start to remember the drives we would take to Stanford every Monday morning.

It was early… she hated being woken from her warm bed at home. We only got 2 days as a family. By Sunday night we had just finally started to get adjusted to each other..

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My mind is now wanting to remember how excited she was on Friday afternoons to be driving home. The time she was throwing up most of the drive…The first time we came home..We were both giddy on the drive..But as we pulled into town we fell silent. It felt big, foreign… exposed. We drove straight to Jonathan’s school.. She held onto me most of the time..

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Leaving our apartment every morning to go to treatment. She was always fine to be going. The windshield often frozen over with morning frost. Talking about who would be there to snuggle baby Charlotte ..

how kind you were the man that buzzed us in at the gate. .

the look on his face when you gave him a card you made. 

oh i love you sissy miss.

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Leaving after treatment. Sometimes she was lively by then, we would right away go out to do something. . especially early on.. Usually waiting for Fairy to be ready to hang out. . But then it started to wear on her. And she was drained. We got our car from the valet and she always wanted to go straight to our apartment.. Just the 3 of us. My daughters and me.

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Headed out to dinner.. You always rallied by then. We found a few places nearby that had gluten free food. You were so happy to have options. Your very favorite was the counter. We came to have a strong bond with our waitress….

you were always magical .. always able to pull others towards you

She ordered lots of food.. but rarely finished it all. I guess we should have known then that something was off.. that the tumor was growing. Steroids usually made them ravenous. .. She sometimes was.. I remember earlier on how she wanted to eat and eat.. I thought it was just the radiation taking effect that made her not want to anymore..

Then we got in the car again and headed to bed..

memories baby girl

our moments in the car

together

not healthy

but

alive

…until there is a cure…