Month: September 2015

i heard

I often talk about the good parts of me that Jennifer missed out on. The ways I have changed to be a better parent that she so deserved. . I have talked how my surviving kids have a different mommy. One that cries.. not everyday anymore.. but at times when a mommy isn’t supposed to be crying. Holidays. Birthdays. Celebrations. And little moments.. too. Walking into Costco and seeing a costume I think she would have loved.. well at 6 she would have loved. I have no idea what a nearly 8 year old girl would have picked out. .. I am busy now.. work from home.. Stopping playing to take a phone call. Away overnight to get to share our story.. I knew all of that. But somethings I didn’t know. Nicholas wants to watch a lot of Jennifer videos lately. And the other day I heard it. My[…]

full circle

  My head is swimming. I feel like I am in a room without a vacuum. Like I am trapped behind glass and I can’t get back to the real world. Because today I was terrified I was going to come full circle. Jonathan. He just started kinder and just turned 6. Jennifer. She started kinder and then her eyes started to change. One started turning inward. Subtle at first I though she was doing it on purpose. His eyes are changing now too. He just turned 6. He just started kindergarten. I tried to avoid noticing. Tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. But it is. Tony and I never talked about it. Other than me telling him not to get mad at him for it. Not to scold him since I knew for sure it was out of Jonathan’s control. But last night in the middle of the night[…]

welcome home

Well hello there.. It feels like forever since I have written… Like a lifetime ago.. Which happily I guess it was. Our dandelion wish arrived. A baby girl we named Bridgette Avari Kranz. Her middle name means gift from the heavens.. and we know she is simply just that. We didn’t know gender or when the baby would come.. but we knew the baby would be blonde.. She wasn’t brown hair just like Jennifers and the same long fingers. .. Like her older siblings she will always carry a piece of her biggest sister with her.  Then we had Nicholas’ 4th birthday and just yesterday we had Jonathan’s, his 6th birthday. Six. Unbelievable. We measured him on the wall we have marked with all their heights. He is the same height Jennifer was. I have found myself touching his head a lot today. Trying to remember what it felt like[…]

Guest Blog – Aaden Part 2

Below is part two of Aileen Ramones’ guest blog about her son, Aaden.  If you missed part one of this guest blog series, you can read the post here. Just Keep Swimming – Aileen Ramones As the new school year is upon us, I wanted to share a letter I wrote Andy, my oldest son and Aaden’s twin brother last year when he was starting kindergarten. I can’t believe he’ll be starting first grade in a couple of weeks. Losing one child to cancer, you are always left with a fear for your other children. But if anything, when we lost Aaden shortly after he turned 2 – it made me reconsider how to approach life. Cancer already took so much from us, that we should not let it take our lives too… living in fear, means not allowing us to live fully. Written on 8/19/14 Dear Andy, Tomorrow you[…]