“Me time”. I cannot believe how much that saying has changed. For me now my me time truly consists of grieving my daughter, often in front of a computer screen.

Funeral, wedding and hospital visits.. and a few great Unravel meetings have left little “me” time.. though. Last week I ended up in L&D with contractions 2-3 minutes apart. I avoided it all day.. hoping I could somehow gain control and stop them from getting closer and closer, but by 9pm it was very apparent I couldn’t. I packed a bag and called Tony home from work and we headed out.

We got there unsure if they would stop labor at 34+ weeks. I told the nurses they had to since we didn’t even have a carseat yet for the baby, we really thought Charlotte was going to be our last. (Some AMAZING friends have since gotten us one!). It took 2 tries and a overnight but they stopped the contractions and I got to go home.

Tony and I were exhausted and slept pretty much the rest of the day. After a follow up visit we went to our first Unravel golf tournament. It was a great day and I was able to take it easy since we had a great group of volunteers. I enjoyed getting the chance to meet new people and try to motivate some new people to “not JUST be sorry but be active”.

The next morning we got dressed in some Batman gear to honor a beautiful little boy and an entire family I have grown to love. Wyatt was only 3. .. full of silliness with a love for trains and an infectious smile. Immediately Tony struggled. With all of it. The look in his parents faces.. the pain and the numb all mixed together. And just the simple fact that we were at a celebration of a life cut short far too quickly.

I sat next to my husband and felt his palpable ache.. and this gut wrenching fear coming off of him.

It broke my heart. The way he looked over at me.. with a helplessness I never ever thought I would recognize in this man of mine. But I have.

Afterwards we talked with another family for quite awhile. It was strangely comforting to carry on a conversation that we both completely forgot what we were talking about mid sentence. Because thats what has happened to both of our brains. Tony and I were the veterans in this small group.. a role we never wanted.

We got in the car and kept on driving to our first wedding since we lost Jennifer.

We sat outside and the first song of the ceremony started. Thousand years. The song that prepared me to say my daughter eulogy at her services.

I looked over at Tony with that same desperation he had looked at me with hours before. I even said the same words.  I can’t do this. I felt trapped.. I wanted to run so bad. But I was in the middle of our row and couldn’t dare making a scene. It wasn’t my day.. it wasn’t about me. So I cried as quietly as I could. We looked in my purse and found a sweet gray little boy sock that I used to try to stifle the flowing of tears.

I tried not to look up. But the one time I did I saw the flower girls and I heard the people in the row behind us say how the girls were 7. She never got to be 7. She should be 7 right now too. .

forever 6.

Eventually I gathered some modicum of control.. I stood for the bride but I couldn’t watch her walk. I tried to close my ears to the sound of father of the bride giving her away..

We sat. And we both saw it. A dragonfly. It stayed near us most of the ceremony.

It made me cry and smile and gave me a strength that along with Tonys hand in mine helped me make it through. .. We took a few minutes away and called our other children.

The next morning we said our goodbye and started home. We got home and did our best to enjoy the time with the kids for the first time in what felt like so long.. But I was fading again. . By the next day I was feeling pretty bad again and my dr had me go into the hospital to get hydrated which I knew afterwards was he right call.

It is off putting how much I have gone from cross fit to struggling with just staying awake so quickly… I do not do well with my body being out of my control like this. But I am feeling better now.

Even had some good Unravel meetings in the midst of all of this. . I am truly grateful for the people that help me .. that help us. with Unravel and our surviving kids.

Because now I am really trying to concentrate on my family. Both those I can see and touch and those I can’t. .. Because above all else I am so grateful for these 5 little souls that we can forever claim as ours.

you will always be my first

…until there is a cure..