Its all of us.. in different ways. Last night it was just me I was worried about and feeling sorry for .. just me alone in missing her I thought.

You would think by now I would know better..

On their birthday cards to me .. both boys had Tony write about forever. Me loving them forever or being with them forever. As I read the word aloud I looked at them… as their bright blue eyes pored into me.. I could see them questioning and needing me so much in their moments.

Its so hard to know… to predict how things will hit them. But it does. Both already know that sometimes those we love leave us. And they are scared I will leave them too. BC (before cancer) I would have held them and said I would never leave them.. I think I would have meant it..

But I have also changed.. I have also learned there are no guarantees.. Now I just hug them and tell them how much I love them and that I am right here right now.. At bedtime I tell them those we love can stay in our hearts forever.. I will always be in their hearts and they will always be in mine.

Growing up in this world of grief. Its a lot for them. Nothing is how it should be.. how as a parent I want it to be.

Tony is working nights right now so he was home in the morning. When I got home from the gym the kids went running to find him..  Then he and the kids came proudly marching out to the kitchen singing me happy birthday. And I cried.. one voice missing.

The silence amidst the noise .. so striking. 

“Family” in her room.. it hasn’t changed it is also frozen in time.

I think writing last night I knew today would be hard.. but I didn’t know how hard .. for all of us. Today was a day the boys needed space from my tears.. so they went into another room and played her favorite game.. She named it “family”… to hear Nicholas yell to his brother and sister c’mon lets play family tugged at my heart.

It was hard because Tony misses her too.. I talked to him.. about everything I wrote last night. And it impacted him.. he wonders the same things.. and he hates seeing me hurt so much. The joys are the opposite of what they should be .. happy to be older.. one year closer to my grave. Sorrow for the gifts and cards and songs without her and the candles that she will never again get to blow out.

we all missed you today sissy miss

you are forever ours..

family

..until there is a cure.