Numbers. Simple. But they can take on such meaning. 6. I always think of things when it comes to Jennifer like 6’s. But its not always accurate. Because I only got 5 mothers days with her.

I remember that first one especially.. the utter joy and lingering disbelief that after so many years of trying to become a mom.. I was actually one, to this particular brown eyed girl. I think on some level I never stopped feeling that gratitude everyday. Even the bad ones.. to get to be a mom.. her mom. their mom.

Until February 12th.

I really thought there would be nothing harder to face then infertility and repeat miscarriages.. I really thought nothing could ever completely dull that appreciation.

But losing Jennifer has done that.

damnit

I am horrified at the reality and ashamed to admit my truth,  that I woke this morning and felt such a desperate longing for the one missing versus feeling that immense gratitude for the ones here.

Tony took the kids as they woke up letting me have that time to lay in bed, time he gave me to sleep but that I ended up using in a better way. . To look through photos and sob into my pillow. I think that time helped because when they came in to get me.. so excited not to just to give me breakfast but to have me open the things they had made and bought for me I was ready to except it with a open and grateful heart .

My Jonathan. So intuitive seemed to just instinctively know today would be hard he hugged me.. long strong and tenderly. My Nicholas has put in extra effort to get along with his brother and sister today. Because I told him it was the best gift I could be given, so he put aside his natural independence and let Jonathan lead the games.

Charlotte… full of life and smiles and giggles. She grabbed at my necklace often today.. pulled it to my lips and told me to give sissy a kiss.

I told Tony how much I looked around on days like this and wondered.. what would it be like if she was here? If the picture of the life we took for granted had never been shattered by cancer. He wondered too.. couldn’t help but think how much easier this morning, trying to keep the other kids away from our bedroom door and wrapping gifts would have been with her here. We sat there.. together, frozen and silent each in our own private hells of “what ifs”.

I know it wouldn’t be perfect. I know how we would struggle and fight at times. I know the attitude a 7 year old girl can have.. but I would take it. All of it. Just to hear her say “I love you Mama” again. To feel her  jump into my arms .. how big would she be now?

She should be here. I try to imagine what she would have made me. My Jennifer would still be at that great age where they can start to show true appreciation and really enjoy giving joy to their mommy on mothers day. This was Jonathan’s first year of that. He is 5.

please let me have 6 with him.. please please please.

Immersed in this deep grief of missing my first born also lies this intense fear.. this cold gripping fear of losing another one.

I know it wouldn’t be perfect. I know how we would struggle and fight at times. I know the attitude a 7 year old girl can have.. but I would take it. All of it. Just to hear her say “I love you Mama” again. To feel her  jump into my arms .. how big would she be now? She perfected her eye roll at 4.. I can just imagine how she would have added in the sighs and the head turns.. But I would take it.. just to hear her say “I love you Mama” again.

I just want Jennifer. All of her.

I want that picture perfect family I once had.

I just want to feel her. Touch her. I want to stare into eyes that stare back at mine.. but all I have is flat images. Eyes that don’t blink or react. A smile that never fades away. Beautitul.. but flat. frozen. 6.

I want to reach into the picture and cup her cheeks in my hands.. Feel the curves of her face and how it changes as she smile and laughs.. says “stop it mama no more kisses”.. How am I supposed to survive without that? Without just touching my daughter again?

5 mothers days with her.. and 5 children I will get to be mother to. .. maybe there is magic in that number.

you gave me my favorite thing ever

the name mommy.

thank you buggers..

times 5

…until there is a cure..