The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now.

I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather!

This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun.

The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they each got the chance to be in control of a giant animal.. How out of control my kids must feel all the time. ..

They got to make crafts and even there own beads of courage chains. Those are beads kids earn as they go through cancer treatment.. for every appointment… poke.. treatment and on and on.. They endure so much these cancer kids..

but so do these surviving siblings.

There is so very little for Nicholas.. I am grateful that Stanford had this day that he was allowed to be part of. It meant so much to him. I hope it was a good warm up for this weekend. We are going back to the bereavement camp we went to this time last year.. We were so fresh then.. so new to this world of child loss..

But now I feel so much more versed in it.. and in so much more pain from it.

I am looking forward to it because I think it will be good for my kids.. and us as a family…but I am scared too.. Because the pain is so much more honest and true now. Her death so much more real.

Tony worked late tonight.. I miss him . we miss him and I try to make the kids understand how he sacrifices his time with them working so hard so I can be with them all the time. So tonight I tried to make it a worthwhile thing for him to be doing for us.

I gave them all that I could. We ate dinner and talked.. we had popsicles outside and then we watered the fruit trees and the roses we planted for their sister. Which quickly turned into them running all around in the water..

Their laughter .. the joyful noise was incredible. Seeing their smiling faces and the 4 pink blooms we have on her rose bushes in the fading light. .. It was a moment I don’t want to forget.

During my 2 upcoming trips .. I hope I get some nice cold mornings to catch my breath.

i could almost see you..

almost imagine you there soaking wet

running

smiling

breathing. ..

..until there is a cure..