Death changes everything.. one thing I have really noticing rising the the surface lately though is perspective. The boys were sitting with Tony eating lunch mimicking him. That natural adoration little boys have for their Daddies.. how they watch the way they drink, eat, walk and dress and then try to do it the same way.

I miss that .. so much. Having a little girl to mimic me in that same way. To learn what it means to be a girl.. a woman .. a wife from me. It will be so long so many years until Charlotte does that with me. But I am so grateful to have a living daughter.

That gratitude is so purified now. So truly simplistic. And powerful.

Even my reaction to jokes is so different now. There is a picture going around on social media of the cast from the tv show Friends. It talks about how old their kids would be now. How long it feels like it has been .. but really not all that long when I look at a lifetime and it so heavy to me. So depressing to look at how long it might really be until I am united with her again.

I find myself jealous of people that lost somebody later in their lives.. only because they are closer to being reunited with them.

I never would have understood how somebody could feel that way.. a loss is a loss.. But I do and I never would have imagined just how powerful that jealousy could be if I wasn’t living it myself.

…but I am ..

I was in a elevator months ago and I suddenly felt like it was closing in on me and I realized why.. the beeping.. It reminded me of noises in the hospital.. the beeping.. the sometimes the only noise in a still quiet room. Every time now I board one I know to steel myself agains the potential onslaught of memories.

visceral.. deep.. changes.

Tony is now a full fledged “germ-a-phobe” using hand sanitizer constantly. CONSTANTLY. But I cannot stand the smell of it. Nothing I can do prepares me for that smell. How it breaks me down a little every time I smell it…  I have not found a way to push through it.. burning my eyes.. my nose and assaulting all of my senses.

Its like I am transported out of the room or the car when I smell it. Like a memory fog takes over me. Tony is the only one that knows when it happens the only one that knows me well enough to be able to tell when I am completely somewhere else. .. although outwardly I appear to be present.

We now have a system in the car. He opens the door and does it outside of the car to try and spare me the onslaught.

Hand sanitizer..My husbands vice and now its something I almost fear.  I was a teacher for years and lived on the stuff.

Death changes everything.

even us.

once mother and daughter

now something new.

unnamable

but real and true

us.

…until there is a cure..