Month: April 2015

thank you

We are finally ready to share our Unravel video.. I thought I was so proud of it.. no I am proud it .. But my pride has grown and changed.. What has made me so incredibly proud today was seeing the words people have written while sharing it. About WHY it matters to THEM. To read about how what we are doing is important to so many people, many I have never met has been the boost I need to get myself above the dark waters that have been drowning me slowly over the past few weeks. And my hope is by people sharing in that manner it will help others that haven’t been touched by the glitter to allow it become part of them too.. because it matters to their friend. Please feel free to share via social media or email. I think our video is the best way we[…]

normal

I feel like I should write.. like I want to write but the words won’t come to me.. neither will sleep it seems this week either. I still feel like I have so much to write I don’t want to forget.. about Seattle and our bereavement camp. But those memories seem so distant to me somehow. Not lost.. not yet at least.. but fuzzy and distant. Muted by my grief. I feel like I am deep in this right now. Struggling with my broken heart and my goals for the future. I find myself scared of so much .. my grief, my numb and from there it grows on and out. I find myself not wanting to leave the house again and letting the phone go to voicemail versus answering. What I don’t know.. what I don’t understand, is why its happening. I just hurt so much right now. I[…]

glass case

I have been gone.. been out of touch for so long.. i feel like I should write about the trip to Seattle and our family trip to bereavement camp.. I will.. but I can’t. Right now there is literally nothing else inside of me right now except the incredible want for my daughter. This is new. I don’t think I have ever felt this way. Utterly, devastatingly hollow. To describe me as a shell isn’t accurate.. A shell is stronger.. thicker than I feel right now. Charlotte only wants Jonathan .. constantly asking for him to buckle her in.. or hold her hand down the stairs or a new one just now.. Put her to bed. As I listened to them get her snuggled in I couldn’t help but realize how very much I understand. I just want Jennifer. So much. So powerful. So strong. Nothing else will do. We[…]

Guest Blog – Kristen Oakley-Hubbard

**** this is a friend of Mine and Tony’s, she lost her sister Rachel to cancer. Friday is Rachel’s birthday. I am honored to get to share just a piece of their story. **** Unpresent Company I spend a lot of special occasions, holidays and large moments in my life visiting her. I have taken each of my children to meet her within the first week they were on this earth. I rushed to tell her when I was getting married, having children, buying a business, buying a home or when I myself was faced with the word “cancer” because I know she is there to always listen to me. I’m her big sister so it seems only natural or instinctual to me to tell her all the big stuff in my life as it happens. She is my only sister and I have known her every day since I[…]

half alive

Its always so surprising.. what hits me like a sledgehammer.. Shows.. commercials…The way I compute basic information so different now.. This commercial was shared through social media. And it struck me down so hard. What a simple gift to just feel the touch of your child’s hand on your face. Would she know me still? I am so changed.. What about as I age.. I will be a whole different woman when we are re-united again. How strong is our connection? Now strained beyond words..beyond what I ever thought possible and its still just the beginning.. still just 14 months out. . can we outlast this sissy? i have to.. but will you? can you? Do they graduate at some point? Do they move on and away from us left behind? So much I don’t know. So much I question and I wonder about .. that I simply cannot know. But[…]

weather or not..

The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now. I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather! This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun. The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they[…]

poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath. guilt. I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations.. My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from.. .. I guess she always will be. .. Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her. I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the[…]

changes everything

Death changes everything.. one thing I have really noticing rising the the surface lately though is perspective. The boys were sitting with Tony eating lunch mimicking him. That natural adoration little boys have for their Daddies.. how they watch the way they drink, eat, walk and dress and then try to do it the same way. I miss that .. so much. Having a little girl to mimic me in that same way. To learn what it means to be a girl.. a woman .. a wife from me. It will be so long so many years until Charlotte does that with me. But I am so grateful to have a living daughter. That gratitude is so purified now. So truly simplistic. And powerful. Even my reaction to jokes is so different now. There is a picture going around on social media of the cast from the tv show Friends.[…]

14

I am in a phase where looking at Jennifer’s pictures I start to smile.. it starts to fill me me warmth like the one above.. how happy and confident she looked. I remember taking that picture and lamenting with my dear friend how quickly it would be real that our two girls would be driving off together.. And that it would look just like that.. but those memories then immediately freeze me up. Because I remember she still could be here but isn’t. Somehow lately looking at her pictures is such a stark reminder of how much has changed while she is stopped in time.. locked in memories and photographs. I think its because I am noticing the changes in all of our living kids lately. .. noticing the change in my own growing belly.   We took the kids to our local amusement park this weekend. .. I woke[…]

my role

Everybody has a skill a talent.. something that is special and unique about them. A way for them to give back..Everybody has a story to tell and I am able to tell my publicly. .. But at the center of it.. My truest calling.. now. I am a cancer mom.. but specifically one to a child that was on hospice and died.. one that is dead. And that’s where I am most useful. That’s where I can help.. it is my role and my place in this world.   At first it was parents with teenagers that were really screwing off.. I could talk to them from the child’s point of view.. I could share my story and my success in overcoming it. Then it became  infertility and adoption. I used to be good at talking to people and helping them through those darker times.. especially transition times.. during a[…]