I woke up this morning feeling like a weight was on my chest. Heavy and full and weighted down with missing her. We were out late the night before and Charlotte really struggled to sleep so I brought her into bed with us. I loved it but I never sleep as well when I have her with me. Maybe thats adding to this.. how tired I am.

I woke up so aware that she wasn’t here. That my daughter is dead. That nothing will ever be complete or full again. That realization is a harsh reality to greet you when you wake up .. wake up with a sleeping baby in your arms and a little boy kissing you good morning.

Soon our bed was full.. but not really… today that emptiness was cruelly glaring for me. I just miss my daughter. My first born. The one that gave me the most valuable title .. mama. .

We spent most of the weekend trying to give our boys what they needed. Allowing them to see other kids missing their sister. yelling her name together into the wind .. And also time with our friends with daughters who just .. talk with them.. play with them.. take care of them.. and most importantly touch them. Giving them what I can never give them .. return to them a moment of what was stolen from them..

big sister. safety. comfort.

Her death stole so much. So much from all of us.

…lazy Sunday mornings in bed. They shouldn’t hurt like that.

why?why?why?

In the last week 3 of us have woken up crying for her.. Not sure if the times Charlotte and Nicholas woke up were because of a empty longing or not..

I’m so sorry all my loves. I am so very sorry I didn’t protect you.

12.5 months later.. its still so hard. So painful. And I couldn’t handle feeling it. So I refused it. I locked it down. I was short with Tony. Because that was safe. .. for me.. But not fair to him. We ended up taking a family a walk together. When we got home.. the only woman in my life that just knows and understands what words can never really explain, having a child in heaven, she drove by and stopped. We talked for a few minutes. I always wonder if she sends me what/who I need?

And after that I was able to just tell Tony. .. what until then was unspeakable… as it turns out for both of us.

i miss her.  so much.  i just really miss jennifer. Our shared wound..  it feels raw and gaping right now.

Really not much more to say for me than that. .. but just now something urged me.. To go to look at what I wrote a year ago. So similar to what I wrote just now. Eerily similar ..

I ran an errand today and saw some Easter stuff sitting out. I stared for a long time. I was pretty sure we already did Easter this year.. but so I stood there and I thought and realized that I was pretty sure we hadn’t, so we put them in our cart. I got home and Tony was helping me unpack and said “Didn’t we already have Easter?” Then I understood it. We already survived it once without her.. our minds weren’t ready to grasp that we really do have to over and over again.

This is why year 2 is so much harder. Because it really is just the start of again. 

It never really will change will it?  365 days later.. not much is different for the way it feels.. I guess its just our ability to cope that will change…. To adjust to being able to live in chronic pain.

oh jennifer

oh no

oh no

i don’t want to do all of this…

again.

…until there is a cure..