Month: March 2015

twisted

I spend a lot of time, a few hours a week going to counseling or taking Jonathan to a session.. But if it helps its all worth it. I think for us we are doing this the best way we can.. and we happen to need the help to do it. My goal is that Jennifer’s death won’t be what defines us but was the catalyst to recreate us.. all of us. Something we didn’t need.. or want.. But something that did in fact happen to us. I have blue eyes.. I am 5ft tall. . and my daughter died. I want it to always be part of me.. part of us.. But not all of me, like it feels right now. It’s scary for me to realize that truly we are still just in the very beginning stages of that recreation. Last night Tony and I were talking about how much[…]

never will be again..

Its the little things.. the small forgettable moments that can eat away at me. Today.. Tony and the boys wrestling on the ground while I cooked… They called me to join… boys versus girls. It would have been perfect. 3v3. Jennifer loved wrestling…often changing in the middle to get on the right crown or princess gown for the fight. But she wasn’t there.. she never will be again. What a cruel moment of clarity that was. One I haven’t been able to recover from. It just continued to slowly and deliberately attack me for the rest of the day. It still surprises me how it can sneak up and attack me.. After it happens I feel ambushed and defeated. Scared at how much it still breaks me apart with just the slightest change of the wind. I just want to see her again to enjoy watching her playing with her[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]

Guest Blog Matt Coulter

I want to do a little intro before the blog.. When we were trying to fundraise money for our family we found The Young and Brave Foundation. .. they helped us to raise money online, the only option we found that took a zero percent cut of the money donated. When Matt came for a visit a few months ago I invited him to write a guest blog about how pediatric cancer has impacted his life .. or really anything he wanted to share… Thank you Matt for sharing a portion of your story. In the above picture we are both holding onto a glitter picture of Jennifer.. but I couldn’t edit it to make that part show! My name is Matt Coulter and I am the executive director of The Young and Brave Foundation. Just like every single person about to read this, JLK changed my life. A step or two[…]

She is beautiful

This past week was all about running.. moving..Both physically and emotionally. Preparing for our first go as Team Glitter at the She is Beautiful race and launching our first Mama’s Night Out in San Jose put me in work mode pretty much full time. This morning though I woke up in pain. My body telling me it was time to slow down a little. For the little one growing under my heart and for the one I have always carried in my heart. .. It was a beautiful weekend though. . But I miss her right now. Doing events with her so present for so many.. it somehow makes her absence so palpable afterwards. Like I got to feel like her mommy again for a little bit..only to wake in the morning to an empty pink princess covered bed. i miss you baby. It was the perfect race for us as[…]

mail

I am just going along about my day.. getting home from the park trying to rush in to clean off the kids sandy feet and put Charlotte down for nap.. But since I am right there I figure I can get the mail. Its like suddenly being splashed in the face with cold water. The shock and the charge of it rushing through my body. I am disoriented .. I am struggling to catch my breath and I am frozen in place. The sting of it bringing sharp tears to my eyes. Just for a moment. . though I have to get inside and take care of my 3 living.. I feel like I am carrying my limping heart in my hands along with a diaper bag and a handful of mail. The irony. A day of remembrance for children that were also patients like my Jennifer at Lucille Packard.[…]

overlap

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a two worlds.. one in my memory and one in the current. Right now they often overlap each other.. Yesterday I was enveloped in that truth.. As I was driving Jonathan to his new talk dr. the song Brave came on. I was transported back.. to driving with Jennifer and hearing that song.. singing at the top of my lungs and then looking at her in my rear view mirror.. willing her with all my being to be brave.. and just really to be ok. I looked back at Jonathan and had much of the same feelings. .. wanting him to do much of the same as I wanted from her 1.5 years ago. And it was startling.. How much the two moments overlapped and I was somehow able to be living in both times.. Like they were laid on top of[…]

release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

a bench

Kindergarten. Seriously? Already. Again. I don’t know if I can do this. I still feel locked in the time of her in kindergarten and him in preschool. . I don’t want that altered reality I seem to be able to live in destroyed. Yesterday we had to go to her school.. I probably should start saying his school.. their school. But thats not what my heart screams when I think about it. I assumed it would be a little difficult… I took a different route there.. but I still knew where I was going…. and the blood rushed.. my ears felt like wanted to simultaneously explode and collapse in. I stopped the car.. purely to attempt to catch my breath, I did. We arrived and parked. Jonathan insisting this isn’t it. This isn’t the right school.. he kept saying it over and over again. No mom .. no this the[…]

seasons

The weather is changing. … the time changed. All these things signaling a new time approaching is hard for me… because I both remember this time with her and because I know another season is coming.. another one without her. We have this amazing walking path right behind our house.. so many evenings I spent with Jennifer and Jonathan.. then Nicholas and then Charlotte, walking and talking and exploring on the levy path. Sometimes they were in the stroller and we tried to go far.. sometimes they walked and we seemed to barely move. But we always had fun .. and made memories.. Not so much of individual moments but more of the essence I wanted their childhood to imprint on their memories and mine. I want to still be able to do that with my surviving children. I still want that to be .. at least a piece of[…]