Month: February 2015

My no into yes

Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them. I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?! Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. .. I was so mad[…]

bittersweet

I’ve been hoping to talk to another particular cancer mom for awhile now. She is somebody who also writes and I have been told since the beginning I should reach out to.. but it took me time to be ready for that. Then we decided we were open to another baby. I knew it was time. We got the chance to speak today. Briefly and un-smoothly.. because as much as I desperately needed this conversation. To talk to somebody that understands the one word that truly describes this pregnancy.. my kids had other needs. I never figured out what they were but they were all 3 yelling and fighting .. My apologies to Maya.. but I hope we can speak again. I don’t know whats going on but Jonathan’s struggle is intense right now. Its taken leaps forward. I had a solo counseling session with our grief/marriage counselor this week[…]

again..

Everyday brings something a little different for us. But it seems like every day is blanketed in sorrow.. like it blocks the sunshine from really penetrating. This weekend we took down most of the decorations out front of the house. Some of them were wrapped around the trees and bushes and for just a moment I smiled.. thinking how I would be doing this for her again one day when our house gets “T.Ped” because of her.. or when its decorated from a boy asking her to prom. Two whole separate thoughts.. my mind had time for two daydreams before.. truth. death. reality. A year out and I still forget .. I still can immediately go to the hope and the joy that was supposed to come with raising her to adulthood. I think I like it. I will be sad when I don’t. Because right now her life is[…]

a thousand years

Tomorrow is one year since her services. Tony is out with the guys tonight so I have spent the last 90 minutes watching the video of her services. Crying and laughing.. much like I did that day. I watched it ..I watched me .. I remembered how I felt. The pull from above. The strength in her presence that day. And I miss it. The newness of it all that allowed it not to hurt so much. I cried much more.. I cried much harder watching it all unfold again today. But it was perfect it really truly was. The only time I really cried that day was the end of it all. When we were all done cleaning up the reception and Tony walked into the room. I just went to his arms.. and I sobbed. For a moment he was protective. Wanting to know who upset me.. until[…]

our joy

There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. .. Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. .. Jennifer. A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my[…]

announce..

I have been sitting here nervously debating how to write what I want to say for the last 30 minutes… What’s the best way to explain.. My stomach feels all bubbly with nerves. But then Jonathan figured it out.. A video! .. Perfect..Though I will always miss the end of every video we make without Jennifer running up saying “can we watch it Mama?” She said it without fail every single time I filmed her.. This video.. presented by Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte .. a gift from their big sister.   …until there is a cure..

can’t

A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder. I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away. I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away. No. A year. Now its a real year.[…]

the difference a year makes

A year ago people woke up to this posting. .. This picture still makes me my hands and feet go dumb when I look at it. ..It makes the blood pound in my ears. .. Yesterday 7 children died from cancer. ….my child wasn’t one of them. Today 7 children will die from cancer. My daughter is one of them. She gifted me her first and her last breath. . . and so many beautiful ones in between.     Everybody that loves Jennifer has different “last perfect days” But a year ago was mine. 2/12/14. I know that’s hard to understand. But February 12th was the last day I held my daughter. It was the last time I felt her heartbeat under my hand. And those hours leading up to her death were beyond words. The connection I felt with her was the deepest most fulfilling relationship I have experienced.[…]

reach me

I feel like she is trying so hard to reach me. I feel like the distance is so thin right now. I don’t know how to deal with that. Because no matter how close she feels she is still impossible to touch. Its a unique twist on torture. To have my daughter feel like she is just barely out of my grasp…Like in movies when the characters keep missing each other just by a fraction of a second. why can’t i get to her? please she is my daughter .. please just let me have her again. … please. I want to say she is only 6 but I know in thats not really what it is.. Its that I am her mommy.. its that I need her. So many signs I am seeing. Tonight such a different thing I am feeling.   It started yesterday in the rain with the[…]

honor her

Its kid time for us right now. Time we had planned to celebrate all the great things about their sister and about them. To show them in actionable and tangible ways how much they all mean to us. …but you know how the best laid plans always seem to turn out.. Rain. Sickness .. The first day went ok. Tony went into work for just a half day. While he was gone the kids and I wanted to watch video of Jennifer. But I struggled to find any. They got frustrated. I did too. Just a thing they wanted.. memories of her moving. singing. talking. With them. But I couldn’t provide it right away. Eventually I found some. We watched her learn to swim.. we watched her swim by herself and we watched her pretend to swim for a gold medal she had made for herself during the summer olympics.[…]