Month: January 2015

hope so

The kids and I went to go see Jennifer today. I love having a place we can go when we all just really miss her a little extra. We talked about how its been almost one year since she moved to heaven.. We talked about how our bodies know things even if our minds don’t. Jonathan explained an hour or so later.. that its because we love her so much. Even our bodies love her. .. miss her. As I stood in front of her headstone crying and talking to my forever 6 year old I watched my other 3 following each other around. Looking at other peoples spots, noticing who has new balloons or new flowers. They were enjoying themselves.. among headstones. It was a surreal image. One I could have never imagined for us a year ago. but now it is just us. I talked to Jennifer.. about[…]

Am I?

A year ago was the last day.. likely in my entire life I will have felt hope. Hope. I miss it. Color I miss that too. It seems I see the world always through a haze of gray. A truth in everything I see.. That my daughter is dead. …and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It was a year ago tonight we got the phone call about tumor progression. I remember what she was wearing… a blue shirt that said in sparkle letters.. girls have more fun. i hate that shirt. i love that shirt. I remember making banana muffins with her. She has asked for them specifically. It was just the two of us that made them. The boys sat at the counter and watched. We pretended we were hosting a cooking show. She smiled. She stood. How hard was that for her I wonder? How[…]

small change

I have so much to do right now for Unravel. I am trying to get a few of my blogs selected in different contests.. a way to reach a new audience. We are trying to get a informational video ready and a new brochure and 2 MNOs and so many other things I should be working on. Including our Facebook page. But instead when I opened up FB to go to our page I first noticed there was post by my friend Heather. .. a link to her blog post about recent photo session she had done. You can look here.. I encourage you to look. Fall in love with this family the way I have.  And then get so angry. Because it doesn’t have to happen. I look at this mom. Who is now one of my close friends and my heart breaks. Because I know the ache she[…]

what is a lifetime?

A year ago today. It was a day that lives so strongly in the hearts of those I love. Of being a positive day with Jennifer. There are two more coming up for other people.. days that will forever be the last “right” day for them. She went to preschool with one of her best friends. She had gotten them matching shirts while we were in DisneyWorld and they wanted to wear them. I remember having to talk with the other mom over and over again so the girls could be perfectly matched. They did a great job with it and Jennifer was so happy. It was hard for me to let her go just for those few hours. But I thought she needed that time away.. to be independent again.. to be normal. I wish she had. I wish so much I had to struggle through so many more[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

shoe basket

Today we spent time with some older kids. Afterwards Jonathan told me he liked not having to be the oldest for a little while. .. Our kids have had to survive so many changes with the loss of their sister. I often forget what this newfound pressure of being the oldest living child must be like for him. A new responsibly none of us wanted him to have.. Like having to be the leader cleaning up even if it wasn’t his mess. Earlier in the day Charlotte had pulled every single shoe out of our shoe basket. Cleaning up Jonathan noticed one of Jennifer’s slippers, he was so excited by it. I watch her do this day after day. Its a constant clean up in our house. But I can’t get that upset with her.. because it reminds me so much of Jennifer. .. She loved shoes. .. and clothes[…]

a rainbow

I know she is proud of me tonight. I just do. I almost never think what would Jennifer want me to do… Its just not something that seems to resonate with me. But it did today. Today I felt worried I would be letting her down.. worried that she wanted me to do something I wasn’t sure I was capable of. Going to one of her best friends 6th birthday parties. .. I have a fairly large Facebook network now (I know total lame brag right) and I see a lot of birthdays come into my feed. Often just from a friends liking a picture or commenting on it. I see them and I want to scream. Imagine. Imagine if today you find out your child will die. No hope. No cure. If you find out that this birthday you are supposed to be celebrating will likely be their last?[…]

found me

Now it has found me. This deep dark monster pulling me down. I miss her so much right now. I am finding myself not wanting to leave the house anymore. Feeling such a crushing depth of loneliness without her .. Jonathan was at school and Nicholas and I found some old videos of Jennifer and watched them together. I just held his warm healthy body and sobbed. I reminded him how much Jennifer love him.. how many good times they had together. .. and we watched her. Remembering her voice and her laugh. The sing song way she said Mama. I also heard my own voice. I think its changed now. I think this intense sadness has even changed that part of me too. My 3 youngest are at my parents house playing with a cousin. Which is good.. because I needed this time alone. We have a board meeting[…]

integrity

Integrity.. its what you do when nobody is looking. Often I have forgotten that even when it feels like nobody is looking my most important and treasured audience usually is. My kids. They deserve the best of me and they haven’t always gotten it. Its one thing I will be forever grateful to Jennifer and this blog for.. Helping me find my way to my every 12th promise. For them because of her.. I will do it every 12th. This month I was lucky enough to have kids still young enough that they are my “them”. So I took them to a place I knew they would love. I took Jennifer there when she a little younger than Charlotte is now. A multi roomed preschooler fantasy land. They loved it. We talked about her. What she would have liked.. how she taught them to be good siblings and me to[…]

4 words

The eve of another 12th.. ..the last 12th before THE 12th. Before it all just starts over again. And its just another day we have lived without her. .. again. How much heartache can one little home hold? Tony is crying .. often. Daily. Its heart wrenching to see the man I love look at me with so much despair.. and I have nothing to offer him. This morning I started to say do you have any idea what we can do to make it better for you. But I stopped myself. Because I know the answer.. and even if there was something I know we shouldn’t be stopping it anyway. But he is hurting. A constant missing of her. A constant empty and lacking for him. That digs and digs .. and just seems to be unrelenting. And harder each day. I want to help him. Somehow heal a[…]