We did end up all going to the family baggo tournament at the same place we had our “goodbye to Jennifer party”. Not a easy decision since at first Jonathan said no.. we followed up with him and he still said no. But once he knew Daddy and Nicholas were going he waffled on it. What a hard thing for Tony, to feel pulled in so many directions.  So we talked .. together and came up with a game plan. Exit strategies and we packed the iPad to have something to really distract them if they needed it.

I should mention Tony and our nephew took 2nd place in a nearly 3 hour tournament!! I told you my family is insane (if you are bored here is a video!)

We talked off and on the 30 minute drive about memories. From the goodbye party and from baggo in the past. I told him how Jennifer played the piano last year and we talked about what candy she liked to eat the past 2 years. Tony quietly asked how did I remember all that stuff. Its because I took picture of some of it and because I helped plan out the food for the snack shack.. to be sure there were some gluten free options for her.

She loved to eat.. I always tried to make the food I brought for her better than what everybody else had!

He took my hand and told me he was sorry if he ever discounted my feelings. Somehow right them it hit him.. he understood how every aspect of my life is changed without her. All I did for 6 years was take care of her .. and then her siblings. With her celiac disease though it permeated into everything. Packing the kids bag for the night was hard. .

A rake to the face. Sudden. Unexpected pain.

I had the kids get their jammies to and said we just needed a few diapers then the bag was packed. How easy. It was always a production to get things sorted out for Jennifer. I had to be sure I had enough gluten free snacks and dinner food and dessert for her. And trying to make it as close to what everybody else was eating was never a easy task. Packing the bag last night.. quickly.. easily. I longed to have so much more to do. I longed to have the location not even be a blip on our radar. To not have a hurting 5 yr old…

It meant so much to me.. that it somehow melted into Tony and he understood what I couldn’t very well explain to him.. how I missed her so deeply in so many little ways throughout every single day.

We got there and I cried. Jonathan was in the back and couldn’t see… but either he knew.. or he hurt too.. Or what I actually think.. a little of both. So my 5 yr old crawled into my lap and we hugged. For quite awhile.

Today Jonathan simply needed lots of touch. 

He was off  at first. He didn’t want to play with his cousins.. he just needed time to let it settle into him.. For the part of him that has been forced to grow up far too quickly to take it all .. so that the little boy he still truly is could come out and play. And he did. He had fun. We made new memories.

There was a dinner at my sisters house afterwards. On the drive over we all talked .. about all sorts of things. But my favorite part was all of us trying to guess what heaven is like. Does sissy sit on a cloud? Or zip all around? We talked about one day all of us begin together again in heaven. This morning we talked a little more.. about what we think time is like in heaven. Our newest things is how many songs does it take to get somewhere. ..

I said I think in heaven .. for Jennifer waiting for all of us it will seem like just a couple of songs.. but for us on earth it will be so so so many songs.

Of all our talks on it. I hope this is true.

i hope its so fast

i hope you roll your eyes at how quickly i followed you

i will jennifer

i promise

one day

i will.

…until there is a cure..