All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.

 

Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try.

Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told me I could change it.

“no baby.. its not the song.. Im sorry its hard right now. Its just a sad sissy day”

I ended the night in his bed.. telling him again.. “Im sorry its hard right now. Its just a sad sissy day. Thank you for making it also a happy Jon Boy day”.

And I meant it. I really really did.

We put decorations up for Christmas 2 weeks ago for her.  It really mattered to Nicholas that we decorated her grave for Christmas. When we went shopping each of the boys picked out something to leave for her and something to bring home that matched. That way we all have a connection to each other.  The day we did it was too much for Jonathan and he ended up asking to go back home where Daddy was. Luckily we had friends with us.. I was able to quickly drive him home and leave the youngest two with our friends. How hard this is to navigate so many hurting hearts.

We went to visit on Friday. Our first time in the rain. This time it was Nicholas that was overwhelmed by it. We saw a huge tree at somebody else’s place… Jonathan said we needed to do that for Jennifer next year.

Oh my boys.. my wonderful sweet boys.. I wish so much I could fix this for you. I can’t though. I am so sorry.

Its so unfair to them. I feel absolutely awful. So I try. to bring it back.. To the concentrate on the insane amount of enjoyment they bring me everyday. I never knew it was possible to simultaneously live in agony and happiness…

.. but I promise it is.

Friday night was pillow fight night. A holiday of sorts that came to be by happenstance 1 year ago.. a impromptu pillow fight with my Jennifer.. I vowed to make a family tradition. We bought new pillowcases and decorated them. We had fun. I think they had a great time.  For them because of her.

Our friends hosted a pillow fight party.. we made a impromptu choice to head over there. My friend that was here.. I mean really here, physically here throughout the end with Jennifer.. and after.. and still now. She opened the door. Tony took the kids in.. I waved to her to come outside. And we cried. I rarely do that with other people. But in that moment I needed to just share my grief.

I cried because right now I don’t want to be making memories “for them because of her”.. I just want to be making memories       with them. All of them. Such a simple wish.

I miss her..

What a pitiful description for the pain I am crawling through on daily basis.

But she isn’t here.. they are. So after our release. We went in and tackled the party. I am always 2 people now. I am always in 2 places now.  funny. talkative. caring. That’s what you see. That’s how I have always been described .. always will be. Now I am just all of that without eye makeup.

That inside person is new though.. I am talking to myself and her. Lost. Alone. Scared. Curled up in the corner of myself.

It had been raining and was dark outside. They had a jumpy house. I challenged Tony (who didn’t think I was serious) to a pillow fight in the ring. So I challenged my friends.. a bunch of us jumped in there. I was wild and having fun. Truly I was. Karate kicks and all. Soaking wet falling all over the place.

But the other person was there.. silently ever present.. Looking up to the night sky as I bounced harder and higher than I ever have.. I looked up and thought what if I could just get to her.. bounce high enough to breath in her scent again.

Thats how it is for me. Always. A part of me is constantly tortured with my want for her. For Jennifer. My missing piece.

 

 

Tonight we went on our traditional cookie, hot cocoa and Christmas lights drive. I baked gluten free cookies with Nicholas and Charlotte .. I had to have everything gluten free today. To bring her with us. As I got out the hot chocolate box I was frozen in place but the picture in the box. Blurry image.. so familiar though.

I had gotten the boys matching jammies. I wanted so much to see my girls there in their own matching sister cookie drive jammies.

We waited so long. Fought so hard to become parents. I remember the first time out with her. Less than 2 months old. How perfect it all was. And then the years after. She helped me bake. And ate her fill of cookies and yelled out to her siblings to look at the lights. Even last year. Telling baby Charlotte as she held her little hand to look out the window.

And as we got ready to walk out the door Charlotte came over to me with her big sisters rain boot trying to put in on. So we did. Just one. And she stumbled her way out of the garage to the car. She wanted to wear it.. and I wanted her to.

i feel that chill now.. something coming over me as i type…

as i start to write a thank you to Charlotte .. i feel goosebumps on my warm arms

did you tell her sissy? did you whisper to her to bring you along?

thank you my girls.. best sisters.

We found some great lights. One place had lights moving to music so we got out to listen and watch. It was all songs from Disneyland.. and then Let it Go came on. And I stood there on the side walk wanting to not cry.. but unable to control it. Jonathan was in the car with Daddy.. so excitedly calling to me that “Frozen was on in there.” But then he saw my face.. and he knew I heard. I hate that. I cannot stand that I stole that moment from him.

A few weeks ago,  right after we got our angel our boys decided they wanted to get one for Jennifer’s friend in heaven. But they were supposed to be moving this weekend so we waited. Construction never goes as planned though.. We ended our night bringing Jennifer’s friend in heaven .. Brecken. . we brought her family their glowing angel. Because I cannot even imagine how hard it will be 8 years from now.. As the world keeps right on spinning though part of ours never will again. Stopped forever that February 12th. How hard it is to think about our children being forgotten. So we each have a angel lighting our yard. Because our daughters will never let us forget them…

 

 i have so many wants this Christmas for you.

i hope you girls are playing

and laughing

angels in every sense of the word

 

…until there is a cure…