Yes. Yes. Yes.
I am eternally grateful for the yeses. And eternally sorry for the no’s.
A year ago we did a last minute tea party. At a fancy tea party place.
We had a lot at our little apartment together. It was certainly a daily ritual and one of my most cherished memories. She was so serious about it.. but always wanted it to be a little different. Somedays we filled the cups with water.. sometimes we ate food. Other times it was all pretend. She invited different stuffed animals .. but pinkie was always there. The reason it worked so well though.. Jennifer’s early Christmas present from my sister.
We went to Ikea and Jennifer saw a purple tv tray. She told Auntie she wanted it for Christmas. We laughed. Thought she just really had to have something bought for her. But she insisted she really wanted it.
It was her Christmas present.. just a little bit early. The best gift she got.. because she was actively dying 5 weeks after Christmas .. so that damn tv tray got the most use. Even then.
She used it, we used it. To watch movies and store medical supplies.
I still use it now. When I am working on a speech or writing a blog entry in her room .
A year ago we did that last minute tea party. I was tired. Thought we could do it later.. plan it out. But instead of fighting it, instead of banking on the promised tomorrow that all parents trust in, that isn’t a guarantee at all. . I thought about.. then called a friend that could meet us there. I called around to make sure they had gluten free treats she would actually enjoy.
She picked out my clothes and Charlottes. Who knew I would miss that little thing so much. Tonight Charlotte came out in her brothers clothes after bath.. Adorable. But I couldn’t help but watch her and wonder.. what would she be toddling out in if she still had her big sister?
While there she wanted a souvenir I said no.. my friend said yes and bought our girls tea kettle christmas tree decorations. . I secretly bought her a book for Christmas. And we drank watermelon tea.
Pillow fight night. Its tomorrow. A forever official date in our family. One the boys don’t even know is coming. I invite you to join us. The rules are simple. Pillows, family and laughs. Take pictures and make memories. And if you are inclined we would be honored if you share it with with your friends. A chance to spread a whole different kind of glitter . .. the real glitter that my girl was made of…
Fun. Silly. Shiny.
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I just read the post. .. How eerily aligned with this post. That book.. that damned stupid book. We never got a chance to do any of it. I was so excited for it. .. never a chance. Neither of us did.
i love you
i miss your laugh.
i am grateful for all you have taught me.
i love you.
i miss you.
i am proud to be your mommy
…until there is a cure..