Halloween. Another milestone met and past us.

We changed it up. We did things totally different than we normally do and I think it helped some. I was moving and going and doing all day..

Actually I think thats my new thing. I am keeping myself so busy I don’t feel. But that also means I don’t feel any connection to her either. Since she is dead.. part of my connection to her is my pain. .. when I run like I have been I feel an extra distance from her.

i miss you sissy miss..

but its so big right now

not much scares me..

the depths of it all right now though..

I’m scared baby.

Halloween was likely the start of it and I haven’t slowed for a moment. Until now. But I am fighting it. Having a hard time connecting to what is rattling around inside of me.

Tony was the one who made the final call for what we would do.. I just couldn’t figure it out. We stayed home. Our first year not driving to San Jose for trick or treating.  It was hard for me. I worried we were letting her down or my family down by not going. .. The kids seemed ok with it though. Just excited for getting some candy.

Before we left Jonathan asked to listen to some Frozen songs. Tony said no initially but this was a time he allowed me to overrule him. He had to walk out of the room for a few minutes…. But that was ok. .. The joy and connection the kids got from it was the right thing.. and when he was ready Tony came in and enjoyed it with us. It was a good start.. a good idea from our 5 yr as a way to bring his sister back to us for Halloween.

The boys wanted to trick or treat with some friends, our close bereaved friends came with us. Their surviving daughter took ours by the hand. It always strikes me..

these two sisterless sisters..

I hope they can continue to find something within each other. Some connection and release. I imagine our Jennifer and Brecken looking down on them happily in those moments.

It was pouring rain. Another first for us.  Jonathan just loved trying to keep up with the bigger kids and Charlotte had a blast during all of it.  Nicholas was surprisingly not a super fan of it all. We came home and took baths to warm up.. ate a bunch of candy and went to bed.

The next night JLKs godfather came over to watch the kids so Tony and I could go to a adult costume party. New friends. Friends we met only because of Jennifer’s illness. Friends I would give up in a moment to have her back.. but friends I am grateful for none the less.

I still can’t believe we actually had Halloween without her. I am sitting here trying to remember last year.. but I can’t. So I go back and I read it. Go here.

I forgot so much of the night. That I took her solo to that haunted house. That she let me carry her the whole way. I remember thinking.. if I just hold on tight enough. .. if I never put her down we can beat this .. I can carry her through. It was a physical challenge that night. A completely illogical one.. but it was so real for me. I remember almost feeling proud of myself that I did it.. thinking somehow .. someway.. it just had to make a difference. 

But it didn’t.. not a damn thing I did made any difference.

We tried.. she suffered and then died so quickly..

What I wouldn’t give to have her in my arms again.. I would have carried her forever if it could have saved her.

Now I am stuck.. still running from my pain.

Destined to carry my daughter without touch.. forever locked in photographs and memories.

…until there is a cure..