Month: October 2014

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

7 years

I want to avoid writing. I want to avoid feeling. Last night we got together again with family to .. well just be together a year since Jennifer was diagnosed with a incurable form of cancer. .. DIPG. A cancer that is vicious and cruel and leaves no survivors. Waking up today I was .. well I was a bit hung over . . but also felt so strange and off. Because I have lived this before. I have lived Oct 29th before. I have sat down at my computer and written via caring bridges about our journey on these days… Unreal..  yet so real. One year since I became a full fledged cancer mom. In a lot of ways today was harder than yesterday. That day.. the 28th.. which also happened to be.. or rather should have been her 7th birthday. One person reading my blog said she thought[…]

Happy birthday

Happy birthday. That used to be a simple innocuous saying.. now such a loaded statement. I don’t know what to say.. A year ago I was just a mom.. then a little after noon I became a mom to child with a terminal brain tumor. Jennifer   We should be blowing up balloons. We should be telling her to stay in her room so she doesn’t ruin her surprises. Her brothers should be getting the chance to decorate for her.   Instead we are in a hotel.. running hard and fast from the truth that haunts us. Tomorrow she is truly and completely forever 6. Because when you don’t turn 7 what else is there? Happy forever 6th birthday buggers She should be blowing out 7 candles..opening presents.. and feeling extra special for the day. We should be getting to show her our love in lots of little ways. Instead we[…]

silence

**another one I waited to post, I had to clear it with Tony first** How can silence be so deafening? I came home from last Saturday nights fundraiser on a bit of a high to a husband that was really hurting .. really struggling. Missing his daughter. His first case of love at first site. Tony loves me.. tremendously .. but its different. He was smitten. Completely. Absolutely. Totally. From the first moment he laid eyes on her. And I know she felt the same way. But he can’t touch her anymore. He can’t hold her or laugh with her. And something inside him is broken. He loves me. He adores with everything he is our 3 surviving kids. But something is broken. . a place inside that can never be fixed or healed. Its a deep and protected place. The place in his heart that she carved out that was[…]

numb

I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6.. because she won’t be here to turn 7. no no no no Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team.  It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

fantasy

I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out. I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. . how? why? no? Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine.. without her. Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no[…]

6 years

Tonight I should be practicing for a speech I am giving tomorrow. I have only gone through it twice now.. But I can’t seem to do it. Im not sure why. If its something swirling inside of me.. waiting for me to write and get it out.. Or if its too hard to do. Too hard to say the words out loud.. look at pictures of her…remember. Another cancer mom wrote about it .. wrote about how she doesn’t want to forget a thing about her son.. but also can’t bear to remember. I get that. How as the numbness is slowly wearing off that its hurts even more to allow myself to reach for her. Because it is just so devastating. But actually I think thats likely not accurate for me. .. not yet at least. Now the yearn is still so much stronger than I can even fight. I[…]

sorrow

*** I debated sharing this. I wrote it last week. Its just a snapshot. A time in the midst of my desperate sorrow I was able to write *** my heart. sometimes i wonder if i can take this. i miss her so much so incredibly much more than i ever thought possible. i cry and my body contorts.. forcefully .. against my will. i have no control over it. i wail . i sob. noises i didn’t know i could make coming out of me. i fold from the inside i double over only to throw my body back again. forcefully. silence. pouring out of me. a silence so deep and so dark i am drenched .. soaking wet from my tears and sweat when i miss her like this.. its consuming my hands hurt.. from being clenched so tightly … grinding into my forehead pushing my head backwards[…]