my grief

This is my grief. This is what child loss looks like in my house.

Running around the house. Not exactly sure what I am looking for .. but feeling very frantic. Fingers pinched together. Room to room drawer to drawer.. then I figure it out.

Scotch tape.

I take the one strand of hair I have in my fingers and tape it to a piece of paper and fold it in half. I breathe. I don’t think I had done that the whole time running around the house. I touch the hair now. Just one strand. And I cry. My boys come into her room and I show them where I am putting it.

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So happy to be wearing her costume…
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.. a double click on my camera.. this is what his grief is like..and in turn mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We go back out to the dance room. They keep putting on her old costumes. I fight the tears.. and a strong urge to throw up and run away. They wanted to play in them. They wanted to wear them. It was one strand of her hair locked into a piece of velcro.

How often I pulled hair from her clothes and costumes and just dropped them carelessly to the ground. I never knew how much value they could hold in my life.

I wish I had no idea.

I thought about how much Jennifer would have loved matching with her little sister. How they would have always been in matching outfits and hair-dos. Its the little moments.. the ones we never got to experience I am finding myself lamenting.

A 2 yr old that still occasionally wets in the night. I realized this morning some was on the carpet. I went to get the urine remover we bought for my 6yr old as death was slowly stealing all her capabilities. .. I cried and hugged the bottle to my chest walking to the boys room.. the one that used to be for Jennifer and Jonathan.. now simply the boys room.

I opened it and breathed the scent.

I remembered ..

her..

suffering but still living.

laying

I missed my daughter. I could have used up the whole bottle. But I didn’t want to. Makes no sense. But we bought it because of her .. and I am not ready to part with it.

I was sent a beautiful song about loss. It was on the slower side and I played it for the first time with my 3 living in the same room. They danced. .. the way they used to dance with her.

Jennifer and Nicholas..6 weeks before she was gone
Jennifer and Nicholas..6 weeks before she was gone

 

Holding hands and twirling each other around. Charlotte didn’t want to let go of Jonathan’s hand even when they were done. He was so proud to walk through the house hand in hand with his sister.

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This is my grief… Just a snapshot of a few hours.

and now I sit in it.. I sit with it..

I grieve.. I miss.. I hurt.

Jennifer

I am a healthy baby

..until there is a cure..

23 Responses to “my grief”

  1. I am so sorry Libby. I wish that helped.
    She is such a beauty. And her brothers & sister are blessed to be her younger siblings, you all have showed them how to truly love each other.
    love & prayers

  2. I am so sorry, Libby. I am sorry for all the things you don’t get to have or experience. I am sorry for Jonathan losing his best friend. I am sorry for Charlotte never really getting to remember what it was like to have a big sister. But I look at that picture of Jonathan and Charlotte and I think, wow, look at what Jennifer taught him. She is there, in everything you all do.

    Thank you for continuing to share her, and your family, with us.

  3. What a beautiful lesson you’ve taught them, the power and strength of love. Even as young as Jennifer was, she still grasped this idea and I see it in your photos. Thinking of Jennifer and all of you daily.

  4. I am so very sorry Libby. I wish with all of my hesrt and soul Jennifer was still here. All my love to you Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte and Jennifer. Today and always ♡

  5. Libby,
    I too have recently lost my daughter Karley to Brian cancer. She was suffering from what we thought was migraines and depression from loosing my sister Lauren in a tragic accident. We went to doctor after doctor before she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After all the many surgeries. 91 days later she passed. I know how you are feeling. I am so sorry. I cry every day. I miss her so much. I look at the photos, remember all the happy memories but it’s not enough. Karley had ATRT she was the 49th reported case. Why my sweet loving, well behaved child. My prayers go out to you and your family.

  6. Libby, your grief is much like mine. All of the little reminders all day, every day. Grieving is a constant thing, and a constant process. These moments happen to all grieving parents, but they will someday be less debilitating. They will still make you stop in your tracks…suspended in a moment of time past, time wished for…but you will get through without totally breaking down every time. And keep those things-the urine remover, the cup half full of water they last drank from, the cloth used to wipe their sweaty forehead-preserve them as they are. You will be so glad you did.

  7. this post hit me hard..
    I am praying for you, and Sadie and I talk about Jennifer often. We say her name.
    lots of love.

  8. Sorry Libby not much I can say other than I am so so sorry for all your grief and pain. Not just for you but for your beautiful family. It saddens me that you have to go through all this and I know as much as we say we are sorry or we are sad the pain is yours and although your pain might be just a little bit less with some comfort from other peoples post its your hell everyday. All I can say is I will continue to pray and ask God for strength and comfort for you and your family.

  9. Your writing is so deep and I wish I could just take an ounce of your pain away. I pray to Jennifer that she sends you angel signs each day. Keep up the good work Libby- you are a true hero. I just wish she was physically by your side.

  10. it is absolutely true that her spirit lives on in the things she taught Jonathan and Nicholas about how to be a loving sibling. charlotte not wanting to let go…oh that speaks volumes. she is brightness personified, just like jennifer was. there is still goodness, still strands of beautiful brown hair. i’m so glad you found it and taped it down.

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