Month: August 2014

Fluttering and Flittering

Flutter squad scroll down to see some tips and reminders for you!I f you didn’t have the opportunity to order a fluttering kit we have something for you!! If you want to make it like a ice bucket challenge or use glitter or suck a lemon or anything you can think of go for it. Our hope is simply that you can share the facts.. I am so excited to be the one to introduce. flutter + glitter = flitter! You can do it online, tag 7 people a day! You can create a flitter causevox page and ask for $7 donation. We have something you can print and flitter people in your office or kids classroom or even just standing in line at the grocery store. You can do it once or everyday for the month of September. We want it to be a way to get everybody that[…]

wave

Sometimes it feels like we are just sitting on the shore. .. feeling wave after wave of emotions hit us.. sometimes the current so strong it feels like it just might pull us out into open water. In the past few days I have felt so many emotions.. anger and fear.. heartache and despair. Tony’s birthday was on Thursday. It was a hard day for him which I expected.. for me which I also expected and for Jonathan which was unexpected. .. I didn’t know until the next day that it was also hard for Nicholas.. not until he crawled into my lap and reached for my necklace that has Jennifers picture and held it. He didn’t look up at me but simply said I miss sissy mommy. wave.. I know it impacts him. I know he hurts in his own way, but I think sometimes I forget. I think[…]

presence

I waited to write, then I waited to share. Waited til I was ready to share one of the most personal experiences I have had since she died. Sometimes things happen and I know I won’t share.. sometimes things happen and I know I will.. This was one. But I had to just absorb it.. and cherish it all by myself for a little while…. I go the opportunity to go to 2 Sara Bareilles concerts this past week. I am so lucky! The 2nd night was the original one that had been planned for quite awhile, my sister in law got us both tickets. Another sister in law and my niece ended up coming as well, but sat in a different area. It was quite the journey to get there. . for the 3 of us. I had decided earlier in the week that this would be Jennifer’s first[…]

i love you

The only time I am not crying is when I am with other people. .. With Tony and the kids though I cannot seem to stop the tears. Everything is reminding me of her.. everything is ripping into the wound I keep waiting to start healing. right now I don’t think it ever will. right now I feel like my sorrow is so much bigger than I am . We went to the Chargers/49ers game this weekend with some friends. Tony is a Chargers fan so they thought we would like it. We were very excited. Charlotte stayed with my parents and the boys with one of my brothers families. I had forgotten until I started getting dressed in my jersey.. forgotten we had taken her to a game once. A pre-season game just like this one and a neighbor gifted us her tickets. That time Tony held her.. this[…]

i just want my daughter

I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness. So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby? I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile. I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays. Today is that kind of a day. I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and[…]

my grief

This is my grief. This is what child loss looks like in my house. Running around the house. Not exactly sure what I am looking for .. but feeling very frantic. Fingers pinched together. Room to room drawer to drawer.. then I figure it out. Scotch tape. I take the one strand of hair I have in my fingers and tape it to a piece of paper and fold it in half. I breathe. I don’t think I had done that the whole time running around the house. I touch the hair now. Just one strand. And I cry. My boys come into her room and I show them where I am putting it.                 We go back out to the dance room. They keep putting on her old costumes. I fight the tears.. and a strong urge to throw up and run[…]

i’m sorry

Is there a trade off? Two positive blog posts..here and here frankly some of the best I think I have ever written.. Does that mean the dark becomes so much stronger when it comes again? I haven’t been able to shake the overwhelming pain from last night. I am so sad. I feel so broken. I miss her so much. One of my best friends daughters starts kinder tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day. I should be at her house now helping her to prepare. I should be there sitting on her front porch when she gets home. I just can’t. I am too hollow to absorb anybody else’s pain. Sometimes I really really hate the new me. I am struggling right now. . just missing my daughter so simply and so completely. Scared of the future and how I am going to survive this year after[…]

forever kindergartner

Oh how a year has changed things.. and oh how it hasn’t. Still sitting here the night before school starts in tears. Last year I had her lunch bag packed and my alarm set. Her uniform in the bathroom all ready to be worn. I had spent the last few nights sneaking into her room to lay in her bed with her.. and sneak back out as I, a then non crier would start to cry… Things had been so perfect. Everything for my perfect little family was going to change.. she would be gone for 6 hours a day… I was going to miss her so much.   Oh how I yearn for that pain again. To still have her 18 hours everyday.. Honestly what I wouldn’t give for just a hour with her everyday. I hope I remember to stay off of Facebook tomorrow.. really this whole week.[…]

cancer free

You ever go back to something you loved as a child and it looks so different? A field isn’t so wide.. a staircase isn’t so high.. a playground isn’t so big?? I had that happen today. But I hadn’t been to this play ground as a child. .. I went there when my children were so much younger. I went there a lot when Jennifer was 2 and Jonathan under a year. I was shocked at how much smaller all the equipment looked to me.. especially as her little brother scaled it in 3 seconds. I didn’t know that could happen as an adult. That my adult memory could be so changed in just a few years.. I guess time really can change things.. I wonder if thats how I will look back on her.. If she will seem smaller ..  somehow different to me in my memory than she does[…]

its ok mom

No dreams of her last night. But Jonathan woke up scared of the dark so I got to sleep with him for awhile. I knew exactly what I wanted to do this morning with the kids. So when we woke up I told them it was the 12th and we had another surprise destination. I was so sure they would love it.. Before we went we opened our fluttering kit. . I loved seeing their reactions. So many pieces of the kit mean something to us. I hope they will look back and be proud of what we did… and how we did it. .. Jonathan asked to do balloons so we grabbed some on the way. Nicholas figured it out first. Yelled the name as we pulled in.. Gilroy Gardens.. His big brother was quiet.. I should have known then…we sat in our car and wrote on the balloons..[…]