Month: June 2014

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

Round of applause

Pretty good day. Filled with fort building.. turning chalk into paint and a date with my husband. .. after marriage counseling! Which is actually something we really look forward to. Couple noteworthy things about today… 35 yrs ago my Mom gave me life.. today she put our application for the non-profit in the mail. Once it is received Unravel will be 501(c)3 pending, giving life to this new endeavor!!!! And a friend came up with an idea of 35 for 35. My hope was 50,000.. to be halfway to our goal in the longest 4 months of my life..At dinner with Tony she sent me a picture text of the total.. at that goal. It has gone up since then. Right as the waitress was bringing over our giant cookie with ice cream on top I started crying.. Thank you. Truly and humbly I thank you. We thank you. We[…]

35 for 35

$35 for 35… today is my birthday. A friend of mine posted this and it really meant a lot to me that she thought of it.. so I am just going to copy and paste it here.   “While none of us can give Libby Kranz what she really wants on her 35th birthday, we can continue to spread the glitter and help make sure thatLove4JLK makes a huge impact in the world of Pediatric cancer. Please consider making a donation of $35 so that her tumor cells help save the life of another child someday. “Jennifer Lynn Kranz fund at Stanford” We are 5,000 short of half way there in less than 4 months!! I just asked my phone.. (since math is not my friend).  500 people donating $35.00 would be 17,500 and  1,000 people donating $35.00 would equal $35,000. Long shot but worth a try. Our goal is 100,000 in the[…]

love of a father

Guest Blog by Jennifer’s Dad   Libby asked me to write something from my perspective. My wife is an amazing writer so I ask you to cut me a little slack 🙂 I guess I will start from the beginning…Libby and I met at a friends wedding about 16 years ago. She was in the wedding and I came up from San Diego to attend. Turned out we had some of the same friends all through out high school, but I had never met her (we always say if we knew each other then, we would not be here together now). We would talk every once in a while when I would call up to the “hangout house” and she would be there and we would grab a drink when I would be in town, but we were just friends. I moved back up to the bay in 2002 and[…]

remember Libby

Tony just took the boys out to go shopping for my birthday which is tomorrow. He doesn’t even bother asking what do I want.. we both know you cant buy the one thing I want. The moment I heard the garage door close I came to her room. .. I hear the sounds of the ocean in here. We never have been able to turn off the sound machine we had playing for her.. Today is so hard.. today I miss her so damn much. I feel so angry. I feel so alone. I just want to lay in her bed.. I want to find something in this house that smells like her. That feels like her. I can’t though .. there is nothing.. there really was nothing.. lice a few weeks before she went on hospice meant everything was washed.. uncontrollable vomiting means it all got washed again.. it[…]

without a definition

Last night I went to see a very popular tv medium.. popular and from the looks of it insanely wealthy. I went with my sister and her friends and my bereaved mommy friend. We were up in the nose bleeds of a large amphitheater ($70.00)..so she came nowhere near us. But of course I couldn’t help but hope…If its true.. if this gift of hers is a reality then I am insanely jealous.. what I wouldn’t give to be able to communicate with my daughter again.. we talked about losing our kids.. about our families and how its changed everything … and about our daughters. Oh how I miss that girl of mine… and hers too. I think I get what people say to me now.. that they miss this girl nicknamed JLK that they never met. ..because I miss this girl that I never knew.. A blonde haired mini[…]

…but not really

Looking through the pictures for that last post really got to me.. About what pediatric cancer really looks like.. Its not just bald kids.. or swollen faces. Or feeding tubes and barf bags.. Often times there is something even worse that all of that.. being left behind.                 And then I get really angry. This is not the way its supposed to be. It is not the way it has to be. 60 kids were on that stage this morning. In just over a week. 8.5 days. That many children will die from cancer in this country.   7 a day. It is not rare. I am not alone. Far from it. Cancer is the number one disease killer of children. (national cancer institute) It is the number two killer of our kids. Number one is accidents.. which is such a broad term so[…]

she is gone

Maybe I shouldn’t read other bereaved mom blogs. I can’t help but compare. Wonder what is wrong with me. In some ways it actually scares me..How they seem to be able to find comfort in the pain.. while I am .. Utterly. Completely. Shattered. She is gone. That was the sound track of me today. Today her class was promoted from kinder to first grade. I went with the kids. I am glad I did. But oh boy.. did it wreck me. I  found myself remembering back to her first day. How nervous she was.. and sad I was. Ha “sad”.. what a fool I was to think I had a clue. Its like every definition of every word I knew changed February 12th. So when Jonathan goes it will be “sad” .. I hope I can let some of that go.. not feel like I always have to clarify[…]

I want to help

I have gotten so many notes and email and texts from people offering help. Unfortunately my brain is so utterly fried.. I can’t remember what somebody told me 2 minutes ago. ..seriously. So what I am asking.. if you have a talent or a skill that you could donate. From face painting to being able to carry heavy tables… or a job from cookie baking to graphic design .. or a famous connection…somebody that might know somebody .. from Angelina Jolie to that kid from Jerry Maguire …or a business connection from the (insert fancy title) at facebook to a winery owner or even just want to share the company you or your mom or your spouse works at.. I cant say for sure what our needs will be in the future.. Right now a book keeper and CPA are tops on the list .. but that’s just the start[…]

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]