Month: June 2014

I remember

Tony has our biggest and littlest living kids out running an errand and our new middle child is napping. I have business cards from DC set out to organize and start making contact.. I have a to-do list for Unravel laid out in front of me.. but I can’t motivate. Because I just need to cry..to write.. to miss her. We walked to the farmers market just a bit ago.. its right near where her preschool was.. I never walked there. She would have loved it.. but I thought it was too far. …constant regrets.. constant second guessing. For the first time since she died I mistook one of my living kids for her.. I was busy doing something and caught a glimpse of Jonathan out of the corner of my eye.. just a flash of his leg and the back of my brain registered “Jennifer”.. before the thought was[…]

s’mores

Today I feel like I am grieving me. The old me. My old life. The woman, friend, wife and mother I used to be.. I went to a beautiful little girls funeral today. I sat and listened to how brave and strong she was.. and I wanted to just be grieving for her. I didn’t want to be able to understand the depths of pain. I miss not being able to imagine what its like to lose your child. I realized today though that this is part of my new life.. part of the new me. Children’s funerals. I picked up the kids and wanted to try to make the best of our day. To find a new groove of this new mom I have become. I tried hard. To put some “emotional money in the bank”. We did a craft together and played ball then I put on a show[…]

heavy and crushing

It is so hard to come home to a house without her. . Its hard to leave and feel like I am leaving her behind. .. It is hard to come home.. to hug my boys.. and have my arms ache so desperately for the one hug I will never have the luck of getting in this life again.  I know experts would tell me she is too little but I am so sure Charlotte feels the same way too.. The unabashed joy that washed over her seeing her brothers today was incredible. I couldn’t help but wonder if she thought they were also gone from her forever. It was a half giggle – half cry noise. Eerily the kind of noises I think I would make if I got my Jennifer back..                                  […]

DC learning

I can’t believe it but I am so sick right now. I have so much I want to write about from DC and I feel like my brain can’t get it straight. Overall the trip was a learning experience. I would love to say I feel like we have friends on Capital Hill.. that I feel like they really heard us and were inspired to make a change but I can’t say that. I can say I met some phenomenal people and learned more about how it works so I feel like we as a community can improve upon our letters/emails to officials. I will try to explain in my foggy state of mind. .. NIH (national institute of health) is the big pot of money that all the other medical groups get their money pots from. NCI (national cancer institute) is the one that gives money to childhood cancer. The[…]

DC getting to it

Finally feeling the way I wanted to about being here.. Walking down the street today a young girl and her mother approached me because of my Unravel shirt. She asked if we were here for action days. They also happened to be here from California! The girl is a 16 yr old survivor who brought up a great point. She survived childhood cancer but almost died from side effects from the incredibly toxic treatments. If she had her death would not have been attributed to cancer.. another statistical loophole.. We walked and talked for at least 10 minutes. When I shared our story.. of the loss of our Jennifer the mother stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and embraced me. A hug that spoke a thousand words that language can not allow. .. of hope and despair.. guilt and gratitude and simple understanding.. I absorbed the relationship between this[…]

DC

After I wrote last time I set out to get packing.. I found our backpack and looked inside. Just a few things from our last trip, her Make A Wish to DisneyWorld and even though this wasn’t her bag it had her stuff in it. A barely touched magic marker coloring book. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away but I also have nowhere to keep it. I already have so much of her stuff saved and it wasn’t like she really colored these pages. I decided to go put it in her backpack in her room. Once I walked in I started sobbing. I just didn’t want to go without her. I had been walking all around the house trying to figure out what to bring of hers on the trip.. to have her with me. Its so hard to[…]

DC bound

We have to be up super duper early tomorrow. I still need to pack! I never wait like this.. I think I just hate leaving her and the boys behind.. and I truly hate that I have a personal reason to be going on a trip like this. I am bringing my computer and will plan on writing a little.. while there. .. As a dear friends 4yr old said… on a plane we are that much closer to heaven… That’s my thought for tonight.

She is missing

I knew I had to write tonight.. I used to long for my nights to sit up alone and write.. now its not quite like that. Because I just want to run away from the ache.. and I am getting pretty good at it… What I write is not what you see.. honestly its one of the parts of all of this that drives me to keep this internal dialog.. aka blogging public. To let people that are around others in the throws of grief.. to let them know even though we look ok.. smile, crack jokes. . we are broken inside. What I write is the narrative in my head.. my undercurrent.. And its there.. always.. just below the surface. Those that knew me “before” know I used to wear make up. They know I never do now.. Unless its my really good waterproof stuff. I can cry and[…]

Fathers day morning

Heavenly mothers day worked well for me today.. but heavenly fathers day sticks in my throat.  I haven’t figured out yet what I want to say to my husband.. what settles well. So far looking him in the eyes and just saying happy fathers day seems to convey all the emotions I am feeling. He is my perfect husband. The only partner I could imagine on this ride. He is a the daddy I always wanted for my kids.. in happiness and joy… in grief and loss.. In her life and in her death. .. For this man of mine I am eternally grateful.   ********************* ****************** ****************************** ********************************* **** My last blog was hard and gritty. I know it was scary for others to read. But here is the take away from it all. .. I will never do something to hurt myself. I can’t wait til my time[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]