Month: May 2014

are you reading this?

Let me first start by sharing that Wes from Coast Range Cross Fit is in the games this weekend.. we would be cheering him on.. and in awe of all the athletes anyways.. but him wearing a Unravel Pediatric Cancer shirt gave a little extra boost! Such a full day. It started off with a friend coming over to talk Unravel stuff.. Since I felt like she was doing me a favor I wasn’t the mom I should have been.. the mom I want to be to the boys. Instead of getting off my lazy ass and getting them batteries for the bubble machine I kept just telling them to go off and play.. Two reasons that was hard for me.. First it made me hyper aware she is gone. I thought I had done such a good job raising kids content to go off and play on their own.[…]

butterfly

Today was almost all family time..made a immensely helpful phone call on the way home with a woman a long ago friend connected me with.. its amazing what just asking for help can turn up.. Since it was Tony’s last day off of work with the modified schedule, I told him to decide what sounded like fun. He said the San Francisco zoo.. we didn’t get to see the whole thing last time. It was a great choice. It gave us time to be away.. with cooler weather and do some forced nap time for the kiddos. I took Jennifer to the Oakland zoo once when I was pregnant with Jonathan. . so I feel a tinge of guilt over never taking her to this zoo.. Walking out I noticed a sign about donors.. I have never really looked at those kinds of things before. .. and I thought  […]

balance

I am like two people right now.. I feel so totally split in half. ..maybe even more… Right now I feel so disconnected from my heart and my feelings.. so in business mode working on things for Unravel Pediatric Cancer.. Even that is kinda ironic.. “business mode” for a stay at home mom should be making sandwiches and setting up play dates. .not looking for accountants.. Today was all about the non profit. My parents had the boys for us so we could really concentrate on it. It was a zero emotion day. I am excited and I am nervous for what the future holds. I want to do good.. I want to be good.. in the fight against pediatric cancer.. but I cannot lose sight of my two most important jobs right now.. wife and mother. To my living children and dead child.. I need to still be actively[…]

a little update

I wanted to give a businessy type update. We are in the process of getting our 501c3 (non-profit) paper work ready to submit to the government. It only take 100 hours!!!!! Literally that’s how long they estimate it takes. My mom is a lawyer and has taken on this challenge. We are building our board. We will be having our first meeting sometime in June. New website is half way done. Meeting with the designers this weekend to keep working on it. Rummage for a Cure. One of our fundraising ideas… basically garage/rummage/yard sales, with the proceeds going to Unravel Pediatric Cancer. .. which right now all the proceeds from anything we do is going directly to the Jennifer Lynn Kranz fund at Stanford. Hoping to be ready to launch that the mid summer. Taking our time doing everything… in the hopes we do it mostly right the first time.[…]

why

Sometimes its shocking how deep the pain is. I know that sounds ridiculous. All of this journey is wildly different than I thought it would be… Yesterday we were struggling.. as a couple.. as parents… as people. Some friends must have just sensed it and taken our boys for a few hours. We needed that time together to just talk… and fight. .. and grieve together. Its hard to carve at that time as a couple and do the other things we need to get done. Then I got some alone time.. to totally dissolve. Crying so hard my knees lost the strength to hold me up anymore and I collapsed… … missing her with a physical forcefulness. Another one of those surprising things is that almost as quickly as it seems to take over.. it leaves me. Like my body cannot physically withstand an onslaught longer than 6 minutes.[…]

I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak.. tired. Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest. its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up. I do now. Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..[…]

5k

Here is the event in photos!! It was amazing. I met some amazing people.  Ran my best time. And enjoyed seeing my boys happy. Thanks so much to Arms Wide Open for giving us this opportunity. My niece and her friend gave up the better part of a Sunday to run our booth!   Some of my family that came out to support us and took care of our kids so Tony and I could do the run. Friends new and old came out to support us. It meant so much to see people from our current lives and our past .. as well as meeting new people that have come to care for us. Pumping up a nervous Jonathan for his big moment! Holding his hand gave both of us comfort.. Sharing a little bit about us. This park… the run we took literally backs up to my house.I[…]

my daughter

I am reaching for her. Always so desperate to try to connect to her. Its been a slow build over the past few days to the point of all consuming… My boys really wanted a party for Charlotte. So we threw something together last minute for her on Friday, a few days after her birthday. We still had our gluten free cupcakes for her actual birthday so we went outside to sing and eat them… since they crumble more than glutenful cupcakes.. We lit her candle, it blew out and as we sang it blew out again.. then it hit me. Out loud I said good job Jennifer.. and it stayed lit. .. was it really her? I choke on that hope.. That she was there. Present enough to be experiencing it with us. close enough to blow out her baby sisters candles.. right now I look out onto the[…]

birthdays

I had a post in my head ..about 5ks and butterflies… but that will have to come another time.. this is all that is on my mind since this morning. I got on FB and saw my friends post about it being her daughters birthday.. in heaven. I used to feel for other people. I used to be emphatic. .. I feel like I have lost that quality.. but today it comes .. that emotion flooding back. The gut wrenching sorrow I feel for our friends.. the struggle to find the words to convey how much I hurt for them. So I did what I want others to do for me. I reached out, risked saying the wrong thing. And most importantly I put the date in my phone. So I never forget. So every year til the day I die.. whether the friendship remains or not.. I will write[…]