Month: April 2014

miss her

I miss her. Last night we had a bereaved family over for dinner. They also lost their eldest daughter. It was incredible to be able to talk about soccer in one breathe and each of our daughters ashes in the next. Foods we like to eat and how they spend their daughters anniversary/birthday each year. None of us grimaced at comments… or felt sorry for each other. I think both families hurt for each other.. understand the sorrow.. but all having our own pains.. it somehow seemed to level out. They are 7 yrs further down the road then we are so they were able to give us their experiences over a few years time. That was helpful. There youngest is the same age as Jennifer.. her school “boy friend”. I worried about the age difference since all 4 are older by a few years than our kids.. But so[…]


Rage … thats my current. My right now, this very moment feeling. I had Tony take the boys to out of the house because I feel like I want to rip the house apart. I went for a run this morning. Good run with good music playing in my ears. I got home and stopped into her room and cried.. those tears seemed to welcome in the overwhelming anger. I am mad at my “to do” list. So much to get done.. to get accomplished. Little and big things. Yesterday we went to the Discovery Museum in San Jose. At one point my eyes looked at the sea of people ..I  wanted to stand up on a box and get everybody’s attention.. to yell “you have no idea the threat…the danger our children are in. Pediatric cancer is real and horrific. It stole my daughter. Please.. together lets do something.”[…]


This grief. Its so different than I thought it would be. Its so different than any other grief I have ever experienced. One where the color can break through. . . This time it doesn’t. .. I have my doubt that it ever truly will. Tony and I talked about this on our trip. How is is not how we imagined it would be at all.. It is both easier and harder. In the past, with the worst life had thrown at me.. I hurt.. horribly at times.. but then would slowly rebuild… never able to fully return to the deepest point of that hurt. This time is so different. I am not just broken down .. I am dissolved. Wildly differently than I have ever experienced or could imagine… more like .. like jello I guess. I can be a solid, albeit a jiggy solid, when needed to be..[…]