Month: April 2014

next day

The next day.. Other parents at our bereavement said the Monday after camp is hard… I thought we would slide past that since we are still fully immersed in child loss … no breaks. This weekend wasn’t a rare chance to talk about her death for us.. we still get to do that a lot.. It was in a whole unique way though.. with people who simply got it. With people who we simply got. .. and what we found out… it rocked us. Today was a sad, sad sissy day.. For me and Tony and Jonathan… maybe even Nicholas too… but its so hard to read him. There was a lot of tantruming and acting out from him today.. could be that he is 2… or it could be that he missed her today too..  or it threw him sensing all of our pain. or it could be something[…]

challenge by choice

Bereavement camp.. Who knew right?? I had no idea places like this existed.. actually let’s be honest I had no idea there was a need for a place like this to exist. I knew kids died.. I even had an idea a few died from cancer.. but that’s rare. .. certainly too rare to have a camp for families… Bittersweet. I hate that I was wrong.. but here writing and remembering our weekend I am so selfishly glad that I wasn’t. It was really good for us. I am going to try not to write a ton about it. In case somebody else attends the camp at some point.. . and because it really wasn’t one of those weekend that I feel a need to rehash it.. . a lot got worked out.. or my mind is still processing. .. so potentially it will pop out. Also we forgot my[…]

simple acts

I just want to write something about my post from last night I have gotten quite a few comments about it. .. All opinions expressed here are my own.. They may not fit for every bereaved parent.. but I share so that people reading can know what its like.. 2.5 months out in one mama’s head.. I know..I truly appreciate how much people want to help and comfort me… .I know that what is said is only coming from a place of goodness and wanting to help.. I write to sort it out in my own head.. and because it might help others to read my thoughts, to sort their own.. and especially because I know how scary it can be to speak with somebody in my shoes.. hopefully sharing what does and does not work for me will help ease some of those fears.. provide a little bit of a[…]

script

My kids love going out to get the mail.. and now they love getting to open it. Today we got our memberships to Happy Hollow.. a semi local, preschool aged theme park. I excitedly opened it… pulled out the cards and rolled my eyes at one missing.. till the truth knocked me back. It wasn’t a membership card that is missing.. it’s my child. Moments like that are sometimes the worst… the ones that surprise me seem to leave the biggest scars. scars of her life..scars of my love for her. I shoved the papers back in the envelope and there they sit. Normally I would be putting them directly into my wallet to be ready… But now they are a scar.. every time I look at them I will remember that moment.. that snuck up on me.. tapped me on the shoulder… and knocked me to the ground. We[…]

home

We did crossfit today. A local place … coast range crossfit has been beyond generous in gifting us a memberships. It’s the first time since I have known him that I have seen Tony truly excited about exercising .. I think it will be crucial component of his healing process. Being active was even a “homework” assignment for him from our therapist… First song for the workout… Brave. It makes me happy also that he is giving our boys this example of taking care of himself in a multitude of ways. I hope we are able to raise them to be well rounded.. not just despite of our grief.. maybe even because of it. A friend watched the 3 youngest for us. The same family that came over to play on the water slide. Its sometimes surprising to me what is a trigger and what isn’t. My boys were so happy[…]

easter

Today was Charlottes first Easter.. also our first without Jennifer. Somehow I didn’t make that connection until I was nursing her before bed tonight. . She should have been here to help her baby sister explore her first basket.. . The boys did a great job. They adore their baby sister and it really makes me proud of them. I miss her face in the picture.. in the moment .. in the memory. I went for a run this morning. I cried and thought of her. Right after I had a sign of her.. strong enough it brought me to my knees in the front yard…In the moment.. I believe it.. I think its real.. but then I worry I am just looking for it.. . Came in and we all went for a family walk. Jonathan struggled. A lot..through out the morning. My heart hurts for him… I live[…]

sometimes

Sometimes.. this doesn’t seem fair.. or real… or possible.. or survivable. Tomorrow is Easter .. technically our second holiday since she has been gone.. but Valentines day.. 2 days after she died..I just don’t count it. Our boys had fun last night with cousins dying eggs. But it was hard also. Jonathan came home full.. as soon as I opened the door I could feel it.. . . .the charge of his emotions. Not a sad .. or angry..just  intensity. We played and hugged a lot today. I watched him struggle so hard to sort out what he was going through… with no understanding of what was happening. Getting so mad at little things.. but working at keeping it in check. We were hitting balls from one room to the next and then suddenly he hit the ground with her pink strawberry shortcake bat.. he liked it.. so he did[…]

dying

Easter egg dying at my parents house…with a ton of cousins. That’s where my 2 boys are tonight.. its where my big girl should be too.. . .me too actually. I always said I wasn’t going to stay.. that I was going to drop my kids and leave… I never did though. .. .till this year. I knew I would be of no help.. just looking at the table of smiling faces missing my daughter. I am nervous for Easter. But I can’t run from holidays and gatherings for ever. .  Because missing these events doesnt save me from the emotions.. it just delays them. Instead tonight I am in her room writing.. looking at the offerings from her brothers all over the room. The giant card from Jonathan’s valentines celebration at school. A batman symbol. Her doll in a high chair now with food and drink in front of[…]

vacation

Vacation time… . . . something I should be so happy about and grateful for.. There are certainly parts of it I am. The people that have opened up their vacation home to us…I am grateful for generous people.. That I have 3 living and healthy (I hope…I think) children.. immensely grateful.. but also full of longing for the 1 that’s missing.. the one that will always be missing.. I write it.. but I still don’t believe it. Downloading the hundreds of pictures from this trip I noticed all the ways we carried her with us. .. . like this one with  baby Charlotte snuggled under Jennifer’s blanket.. and I think.. I cannot wait to show her.. Then I just take a deep breath..close my eyes and wait. Reality hits.. ..hits so hard I nearly fall out of my seat. Reality sucks. The night before we left for the beach[…]