Month: March 2014

5 months

****I mentioned before we had really really spotty service on our trip so I didn’t blog but took notes on my phone what I was thinking/feeling****   Our trip was lovely. Truly a escape and so wonderful to be with just the baby and my husband.. but the dark hit hard coming home. I wish I had written when I was there. I think there would have been some positive notes in it.. Like about how it went to work on the business plan for the non-profit… (it went well we had good talks and it was good time spent together) but this now will be the truth I see and feel currently.     It ain’t pretty. I am exhausted.. all the time lately. But I need to write. It will likely be very choppy. I feel like I am bursting at the seams.. so I am just going[…]

rain

**service is spotty.. this is from Wednesday..no post tonight** The rain returned today. Before we left Tony dropped my car off at a local place to be looked it and then packed up his car.. We were a bit behind on our departure schedule.. but the bonus was I got to go for a run. In the pouring rain. I loved it. loved it! At the end Brave came on.. first time I have heard it on a run.. I kept going.. and dancing and smiled and belted that song out. Tony later told me he saw some other woman running in the rain and wondered if they had read my words about the wonderfulness that is running in the rain.. The way it feels to get soaked and keep moving under the additional weight and the way the sky looks foreboding yet beautiful and how the cold pelts you[…]

mommy

We leave tomorrow for our trip…hopefully. Car troubles tonight. Nothing a little duct tape can’t fix though! ..yikes .. . wish everything was that simple. Its almost midnite for us. Just got the kids all into bed.. long night. But lucky to have my sister and nephews watching the 2 little ones and another nephew helping Uncle T as they call my husband with our car.. We have always talked about how great all of our nieces and nephews are.. how we hope to raise kids like my siblings are. Our kids all have at least one older cousin as a godparent..some of them have cousins as both god parents. All so healthy too… I always thought with this many kids, baby Charlotte is #21, that we were bound to have somebody with a major issue. Figured it would be us… . .thought it already was…Thought my infertility and her[…]

friends

 ***Write down the time. Seriously right now look at the clock and write it down. **** This blog is my lifeline. My connection to her. Its been a wonderful way to keep her alive for me. At night I pour over videos ABCs and pictures of her. Getting to re-live our lives with her over and over again… I look through them until the right one pops up for my writing. It takes a lot of time.. not the writing. The looking through the pictures..the memories. Of her. Of my kids together. hearts beating. The relationship I feel with her through this.. .it keeps me going. .it allows me to forget .. . another day has passed without her… since late at night. ..     I get her again.   I think this connection I still have with her is what allows me to function.. to keep on going… to[…]

confusion

  I confuse myself. I was watching a show with the teenager getting teased. I had already worked myself into a frenzy about that happening to Jennifer when she started kindergarten. I was so worried about not being there for her so many hours a day. What I wouldn’t give for that now. To be able to deal with her school troubles…and hurt feelings. I tell myself how I would appreciate it. ..I wouldn’t though. I don’t for my other kids. I found myself later in the evening worrying about my boys getting teased in school. What their issues might be. Then I realized what a hypocrite that makes me. The past summer. Right before she was diagnosed..I said and thought quite often that it was my perfect time. 4 kids home with me. 5,3,1 and a newborn. I would have frozen that time if I could have. I had[…]

questions?

Just watched her services for the first time. Just me and her pinkie and nigh nigh. .. . kinda feel like I was in a boxing match. .. .i lost. Badly. I feel a weight on my shoulders.. pushing my down. So heavy. I thought it would start to get lighter? . .. its not. Its getting heavier. I smile. I laugh. I talk. It all seems fine. Its not. I am so broken. How is it that I hurt so much more now than I did a month ago? I watched her in that video and so violently wanted to touch her again . Even the sick her. Even as she struggled to hold on. I would take that her back in a heartbeat…even just for a heartbeat I would choose to end my suffering over hers. Oh my god..how horrible am I? I am supposed to be happy[…]

day after

My thoughts are jumbled.I am so tired.. circling the drain… Milk in the pantry cereal in the fridge kinda day. Yesterday just totally drained and exhausted me. .. .dehydrated me. I could have stayed in bed all day. But I know thats not fair to Tony or the kids. I got up and realized I hadn’t yet opened the package I got from Amazon the day before… so while trying to seem happy with the kids I did…I shouldn’t have. It was Frozen. I had pre-ordered it for Jennifer. .. and me. We were supposed to snuggle and watch it. It was going to be a great surprise for her.. I thought I had cancelled it. .Those sudden things that knock me over are hard. A friend came over today. Her boy ran and played with ours. That made me happy. Apparently Jonathan met them at the car. No hi[…]

only wish

I miss her so much. I can’t even find the words to explain it.   But I need to write. I cant see the screen but I have a compulsion to write.. . this grief …. my right now. its crushing.. .so overwhelming It sucks the air out of the room and out of me. I’ve always been able to power through things…even the seemingly worst of things. Because I knew I could find a way out. Find a way to turn things around. If I just kept going…searching…pushing ahead.. I never can with this. She is never coming back. ..never.coming.back. I can’t make it happen. I can’t fix this. She is gone. My heart feels like its being pulled out of my chest. …please let her come back. i know. tonight I really to my depths. truth known. . . know she can’t. . . she won’t . I’m[…]

5 weeks

5 weeks today. 5 weeks since I last touched you or felt your hand in mine… 5 weeks since I got to look in your eyes and feel them looking back in mine. That sums up how I felt today. I just missed her.. simply. totally.  We decided to take the kids to a new pediatrician. I think it was the right choice for all of us.  We suspected Jonathan has asthma..doc agrees and we asked for allergy testing. Tony also pointed out how his mouth droops to the side sometimes when he talks. I used to be such a non-chalant mom .. I always said my job wasn’t to keep them from getting sick or hurt, but keep them from dying.. yea well..that was a fail Now I find myself so scared.. The doc said he would order a MRI…we opted not to. I am fairly certain this new[…]

Glittery knowledge

Music. Today was a day of music and songs. Both things important to Jennifer. She made up her own songs and she loved to sing along with ones we were listening to. We have been continuing the sticker charts for the boys. Even though last night wasn’t a stellar performance we took them out for breakfast this morning since they had already filled theirs up. We didn’t give them any for last night (but we didn’t point that out either) we felt like showing them the reward for earning a “going to bed” sticker will be a good motivation. We went to Black Bear… the same place Tony and I went to the day I broke down in the parking lot.  We took my car. The first time since she died we have all been in it. Jonathan didn’t want to.. well .. because daddy’s car can go faster… Buckled in he[…]