Up researching Christmas gifts for the kids. Mostly books since they love to be read to. Never would have imagined I would be trying to find books to teach my boys and baby about losing their sister. And trying to find a book to help me speaking to Jennifer about heaven and God…The good ones are all dragonfly themed…Our symbol of her coming back to us again.

I love all of our kids. They are all miracles and gifts in very different ways. Jennifer is our oldest. She was adopted at birth after a long battle with infertility and miscarriage. The fight to become parents…the thorny and twisted trail to her was supposed to be the hardest thing we would go through.

I get asked all the time how do I do it with 4 small kids. My answer has always been the same.  Jennifer.

Having a daughter first helps….our daughter in particular. She is the leader of our little family. The kids follow her lead and example and most of the time she sets a really good one. She is my walking “field of dreams”…get her in the car and they will come…Being gone during the week and returning home I already see such a difference in the boys. They are much more stereotypical boys. Without JLK to offset them they are mini testosterone fueled machines.

I love being a mom to my girls and my boys. But I am scared to parent them without her.  That sounds crazy to me even clicking it out on my keyboard…but I have never been a mom without her with me…I don’t know how to do it without her…She helps me teach them to go potty and walk…and buckles them in and out of the car. Christmas and halloween will be hard without her but its the little moments….the day to day normals that terrify me and keep me up at night. Walking through the parking lot without her helping to hold hands when they dont want mine..Sorting out who sits where when they all want the same seat. She can reach them and talk to them when I can’t.

How will I do this without her?

Jonathan. My sweet little boy. He isn’t made to be the oldest. He needs his big sister to teach him and blaze the path for him to follow. He isn’t created to bend as well as she does with all the mistakes your supposed to make with your first born…I want him to stay the middle child where he is happiest. He adores his sissy…I don’t want him to lose her and shoulder so much  being thrust into the role of the eldest.

And we are growing so close during this time, a togetherness beyond just mother and daughter. Or maybe not beyond …its more just the thing you cannot wait for when you hear the words “its a girl”…That special thing is just barely starting to bloom. There is so much more we should get to experience. You work so hard as a parent to get to the good years where you can talk with them and have real conversations.

I am just getting to that part with Jennifer and I don’t want to let it go. Its fun. I look at her cousins with their parents…they exchange glances and inside jokes. They rehash their days together and gossip (probably about me). They argue but with each other versus how it is when they are still so little. I am so close to that time…I can almost touch it. I want braces and sleepovers. I want first boyfriends and first kisses. I want graduations and prom dress shopping. I don’t want to wait for Charlotte..I want it all with Jennifer.

And I want to be waiting for her in heaven.

I don’t want her waiting for me…its just not right.