I think we all have 2 books we are assigned.. The first one.. our book of life. It holds all the chapters of our lives.. And the second.. well I am not at all sure about this book.. because I think it starts when the first book closes.. And I am still in midst of my life story.

So many chapters I think you count on when you have a child..  Chapters you dream about and chapters you dread and many like their wedding are a mix of both. ..

Sometimes those chapters never get written .. Its hard as a parent to wrap your mind around the fact that their book is done.. I find myself flipping through imaginary pages crying over the stark white staring back at me.

Those never written words in our child’s book permanently alters all subsequent chapters in ours..

It was never our plan.. it was nowhere near the way we had envisioned it.. but we did walk her down the aisle.. while this song played.

Jennifer in a flower girl dress from our wedding.. we played pretend wedding with her in that dress a lot… and also went to the library/grocery store/family walks in it!

When you have a daughter you wait for that day you get to walk them down the aisle or watch their Daddy walk them. I was so looking forward to witnessing that moment. But when it was their time to do it.. I went with him.

I had to.. I think for both of us. But it was still his moment with her.. One that he never thought he would lose.. Never. I think I was always preparing myself for her to die since her 6th birthday when we learned some cancers are terminal upon diagnosis.. But I don’t think Tony was.. I think he always hoped and believed she would somehow survive.. that we had overcome every other hurdle and somehow..someway we would overcome this too.

At her Fairy godmothers wedding Tony did get to walk with her down the aisle. .. In a pink dress with pink flowers and a pink purse!

She wore a special outfit down the aisle.. that I got to pick out with her.. the way a mom always dreams about.. though we never imagined that’s what it would be used for. We never thought her book would close with her permanently in a size 6 dress.

Everybody else only saw her covered in white… The way you want your daughter to be seen walking down the aisle at the beginning of her newest chapter… But it wasn’t supposed to be a tiny white coffin. It wasn’t supposed to be my hand on top of his ..

That day though, for us it was a new chapter, but for her.. for Jennifer,  her first book was already closed.. Her second one already started. One that I don’t get to be part of..until that day that I am greeted by the smell of watermelon.

See when you have a daughter you plan on being there to greet them when they start that new book.. to help ease them in that transition. And to welcome them to their new home.. they way you get to when the writing begins in their first edition. A mom is supposed to be there for their daughter for BOTH of those moments.

i am so sorry i wasn’t there for that jennifer

i will always be sorry

until i start my next book.

…until there is a cure..